The Leaver and The Leavee (or, The Ignorer and The Ignoree)

As explained by a friend, "In every relationship, there is a Leaver and a Leavee. While the Leaver leaves, the Leavee gets left behind." And I shall add, this might just be a way to maintain balance in a relationship.

I had come up with the same thing (and it the same context, which of course is not of much importance now) a few days before him, the only difference being his Leaver was my Ignorer and his Leavee was my Ignoree. And again, the same old story, while the Ignorer ignores, the Ignoree keeps getting ignored.

I rest my case.

<3

People try to harm it but the caravan moves on,

The caravan finds love-an eternal bond.

Love resides like a secret inside,

The two lovers promise to stay side by side.

Its something that cannot be broken,

Its unbreakable because o the words that were spoken.

The lovers love, the lovers hide,

But no one can take away from them what they have, even if they died..

The Good, the Bad (and the Inevitable End!) of Relationships :X

Somehow all relationships that I thought, even till the beginning of this year to be lifelong, ended in the most disgusting way. I don't know if it was my fault (I'm so sure I can't be wrong always!!) or the other person, but the fact remains that we are no longer a part of each others life.

Instance 1: I knew her for the longest time I have ever known a person. She was my 'best friend forever' type friend. We'd been there, with each other, through thick and thin, through everything. Still something went wrong, something so grave that it cannot be reversed no matter how hard I try. It just cant be back to what it was. I am still friends with her, still same on the face of it, but deep down I know I can never trust her, never ever. Its ruined, forever! :(

Instance 2: If ever there was any person who came close to me in the shortest time period possible, it was this friend from school. We were best friends for about two-three years and suddenly that came to an end too, in another disgusting but sort of expected way. I still did expect us to sort it out sooner or later, but i guess its already to late. I have learnt so much from this. One thing is for sure, I can never invest 100% in any of my relationships because I am more than sure that it will end. So well, whats the point?? *sigh*

Instance 3: The same happened with another close friend. We had issues with how we dealt with stuff on a regular basis. But that was something we always sorted out. Then suddenly he walked out of my life. no questions, no explanations. just (maybe not so) randomly. But now I know think it was sort of a good thing to happen, for reasons I'm still trying to get straight in my head. All i know is I can never be friends with him again, for the simple fact that you are no on to keep walking-in and out of my life as per your own convenience. Hello!! I might be an emotional fool, but I'm not all that dumb!

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is, after seeing all this in just year (actually from March to June only), that all relationships do come to an end sooner or later. I am no one to make such a comment about everyone, but it definitely is true for me. No matter how hard I (we??) try, it just does end. People don't remain in touch, some just get better friends, and most just generally grow apart. There is this expiry date that comes along with all my relationships, its just inevitable.

And I'm living with it now, and it's just a very convenient thing to do as of now. Regrets can come later if they have to.

Just randomly at 1am last night, had nothing better to do (that's obviously a lie. I could have read, slept, anything but THIS!!)

Inspired from the poem (otherwise fictitious) that Julia Stiles reads in the end for Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You".

{ I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.}

This is what my version is like:

I hate you for the fact that you know me so well,

I hate to think of the moment for you when I fell.

I hate to cry whenever I think of you,

I hate that with each other, we no longer have anything to do.

I hate the paths that I now have to travel alone,

I hate to admit that from my life you're gone.

I hate everything that reminds me of you,

I hate the fact that I don't really hate them too.

I hate to see how you just don't care,

I hate to know there is nothing we anymore share.

I hate to dream all day (and night) about you,

I hate the fact that you still just see through.

I hate how you threw me out of you life,

I hate the fact, that without you it's so hard to survive.

I hate to come up with excuses so that we can meet,

I hate that without you, I feel so incomplete.

I hate to be always giving you a thought,

I hate it so much because you still mean hell a lot.

I hate it when out of the blue I get your text,

I hate it when I spend hours thinking-what next?

I hate the fact that I can hate you never,

Because loving you once, now means loving you forever!!

P.S.: No (questioning) comments, please!

Chumki and I :D

A very BIZARRE conversation, early in the morning...



Me: What happened?


Chumki: Too many mosquitoes.


Me: I can't see any. You're behaving in a really weird way chumkoo...Retard!!


Chumki: Nahi. Hain naa! Fishy spoke to me yesterday?


Me: Who fishy?


Chumki: Aquarium wali. She told me she will eat all the mosquitoes, if Ma lets her out.


Me: Really? And what exactly did you tell her?

Chumki: That I can't let her out because Ma will not like it. She won't like it. And she complained about Ma not feeding her on time. So I told her that I will talk to her about it.

Me: Goodnight Chumki...You need sleep!!

P.S. Chumki is my elder sister. This is what happened to her when my computer wasn't functioning for one whole day. But now it's fine, so I hope she is fine too by the time I reach home.

By the way she is 23, turning 24 this July. :)

P.P.S. I love you Chumki...You're the sole cause of me being retard!

Wasted Efforts

I spend almost all my time sitting in the chaupal. We have lots of dogs(and bitches) in our college premises. I've been around them for quite sometime now but recently(due to the circumstances), I'm somehow looking differently at the relationship these animals share.

There is this bitch whose is diseased. The area around her neck seems to have decayed. The fur in that part is gone and so the skin which was once under it is infected badly. But still the other dogs(or even us for that matter) do not discriminate against that bitch. The beautiful part about this (which compelled me to write about it) is that we all have accepted her the way she is. I fail to understand why is it so difficult for us humans to do the same? Why can't we come to terms with our flaws(and of others) and whatever other things we(and others) lack and be okay with it???????

And why can't some people be happy in being accepted the way they are?? When you are ready to deal with circumstances, the situation and everything that should have been there but is not, how can that 'other' person refuse to cooperate?? Don't they realise that efforts which are made by them to lessen our pain ultimately end up hurting us more than we can take??

We take decisions for our better, so why are we not able to come to terms with reality which follows after the decision as been made??

I'm lost, I'm confused and I'm hurt. I don't know what's happening or why is it happening and was it that necessary!!! Its sometimes best to be oblivious to reality, and this time its all I can and wish to do.

P.S. This might not make enough sense to all readers, but if you know me well enough then it definitely will.

Emotional Catharsis- Rediscovery of Self

Okay the title might sound a bit heavy but what we went through, trust me on that, was hell a lot heavier.
This was 2nd day of Bhawins’ workshop (details not required) where we were required to enact a scene describing some incident, object, thing, person, etc. etc. that influenced us in such a way that it changed us or our lives forever. Since none of us had prepared an act (or given much thought to it for that matter), we ended up recalling incidents that had changed us as a person.
The first person to go was Sana- Sana who I have always seen smiling and laughing and, till yesterday, emotionally the strongest in our group. She was in the wings for some time and when she entered, we could all sense that the incident she would narrate was a very emotional one. This is when the whole mood of the session- a very emotional mood, was set and by the end of it, suppressed sobs could be heard in that appalling silence. One by one we all went and talked about are experiences. It was beautiful to see how no one had prepared anything beforehand, yet the words seem to take their own flow. What struck a cord with all of us was the fact that how relationships-good or bad- change our lives in such a drastic way, the impact they have on us, and how we can’t get out these complexities, no matter how hard we try!
The saddest and the most depressing part was that we all had learnt from relationship that had not been successful; obviously the beautiful part being that we don’t regret them even though they failed because they taught us lessons about life which will be with us forever. Here I would like to quote Kaustabhi, “Even a diamond has to undergo exhaustive grilling before it shines the brightest.” So I guess after going through so much suffering, betrayal, pain and sorrow, we’ve come out as much more matured people. After all (damn! I’m so clichéd), all’s well that ends well!

P.S. Only I know how relieved I am after writing this piece. I’ve been trying to write about “relationships” for a really long time now, but in vain. I’m glad I could finally put something into words, even though it’s barely 10% of what’s inside me. The rest will come out, slowly but surely.