Thursday, September 17, 2015

(not so-)Random Conversation

[Sign-2/ 2008- 7 long years!]

Girl:"I think you're detatching yourself from me. I don't think I mean anything to you now. I've lost the importance that you once used to give me in your life.There's no point dragging it just for the heck of it. I feel you're suffocated and this time I'm sure I haven't done anything to be treated like a doormat."

Boy: "I know. I've also been thinking alot about this lately. I can't hurt you anymore. I can't deal with it. It's very difficult for me to continue. I just can't do it."

Girl: "Are you sure you want to do this to us? I hope you realise what you're doing and where it'll take us. I'm ready to accept you the way you are. I have absolutely no issues. I'll deal with it I swear. We'll manage if we can just give it one more chance. It will work. We can make it work."

Boy: "I can't do this anymore. I'm a completely different person now. I really love you and you mean a lot to me and this will be the best for the both of us."

Girl: "I understand why You have to do this."

Boy: "Thanks."

Girl: "But I still wish you din't have to."

Boy: "Me too."

Girl: "I love you."

This is from 2009. I feel so much better, already. Probably I just need to rake my older, more sorted self, and it'll all be good. Sometimes, the only sign the universe gives you is the one in your drafts. :)

To be content with oneself is one thing, to be content with the deeds we do is another. 


It's been a year since I posted last. Well, almost.

There are days when you recognize yourself, there are days when you don't. Today is the latter. I have very little, almost nil, idea of the person that I have become. It is said that your 20s in not the time to be pulling your shit together, but does that give me (or any of us) a license to get so disillusioned that you lose track of life?

Don't get me wrong. I've not become a 'junkie', doing dope, or wasting my time. I have a new and steady job that is creatively challenging and keeps me on my toes at all times, I have a family that loves me but we stay apart because I chose to (though against their wishes but it has done good to the both of us), I have really smart friends who are extraordinary in their own way, doing unconventional jobs and redefining 'employment'. I have everything right, except in these past couple of years, I have stopped recognizing myself.

I have always been very principled- no traveling in autos that don't go by meter, never reaching late, aiming to be on a moral high ground, no unnecessary favours, saving money for future use and all those little things that make you who you are. But somewhere down the road, I have drifted from the angry young stubborn and no-nonsense girl image that I (and I'm sure others around me) had. I'm still stubborn, I still get angry, but I have also let people mould me in a way that I can't recognize.

This change was gradual, of that I am sure. But I don't remember when, bit by bit, I shed all my older layers and transformed into this stranger who I don't recognize. I have aged more than I should have in the last couple of years, I have put on more weight than I should have.

Sometimes, I just wish to go off to sleep and not wake up. Or rather wake up in another place, like Vietnam or somewhere. Disown this life of mine, get a new one. Why can't I do this? Why can't any of us do this? It's just so unfair!

I feel like I am constantly disappointing everyone around me, including and especially my family. I don't know what the reason behind this dissatisfaction is, but it is there. And its not nice.

Sometimes I feel this is just a phase, which I'm sure it is. C'mon, in the next five years, I an going to be a different person. I would've travelled places, met new people, grown high in my career, fallen in love, fallen out of love, probably be married, and then none of this would matter. But it matters now, and it is mattering a bit too much.

I'm writing this to just send a message out in the universe, just to know if there is someone who'll say-'there, it's ok to feel shitty. I got your back.' Just this.

The moral of the story is- I think I'm just bored and confused, like a lot of other 20 somethings. Right?