Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Excerpts

Whatsapp group chats can be the most annoying thing at times. It's not surprising that most of us have almost all the groups on 'mute'.

However, every now and then, some really interesting conversation happens, and that is what I'm reproducing below, with just the initials of the people who sent them. Some thoughts are mine, some are not.

***
It started with this early morning message from one of us: ('A')

P: I think the biggest mistake people do is to attach love to happiness. The last line of this is guilty of that. Detaching happiness from everything else is the only key to happiness. Love, on the other hand, is another Pandora's box all together!

A: Morning gyaan part 2. So true.

M: Second that, P. And a Pandora's box should never be opened

A: Pandora box full of love should never be opened.

M: It's Pandora's box, you can never be sure what you're signing up for, love or all kinds of evils and miseries.

A: #heavymornings lol

K: But happiness is temporary. Love is more prominent even if we don't understand it. One can be happy if he knows he is loved. When have you heard someone being happy while he is hated by everyone ?

P: K, tum bache ho abhi. Zindagi nahi dekhi. Happiness is ONLY in your control, and love is one of the ONLY emotions not in your control.

M: The opposite of love is not hatred, it's mostly indifference. And it's easier to be happy when people are indifferent towards you, lesser people to disappoint, lesser expectations to meet

S: Omg guys

M: Happiness is most definitely in your control. Couldn't agree more. The day you stop looking for happiness in love is the day you may actually find it, my friend.

S: Shut up

M: Hi S! Welcome!

S: Kaafi unhappy hai log. Baaki pyaar mein

M: Yeh last wala gyan on point tha, M. Kaun unhappy hai?

S: Jo sab itni happiness ke baatein kar rahe hain

M: S ne kuch padha hi nahi😂😂

S: Naaahhiinn. Itna gyaan

M: Gyaan is good

S: Apna hi zyaada pad jaata hai

A: Hahaha. I am loving this

***

I have very recently learnt to dissociate happiness from love, especially love that is built only on reciprocation from the other side. More than learnt, it's an art that I have developed over the last few months. I am a hopeless romantic, and by hopeless, I mean really really hopeless. I have lived in a fantasy world which is fueled by love. (Un)fortunately, I have had to finally get out of this bubble, more like kicked out of it and shaken to face things as they are. Luckily for me, things have only been better post that realisation. I'm less anxious, less dependent, less *insert other negative things*. 

25th birthday did some really beautiful things for me. This was one of them. (More about birthday in the next post.)
Silver lining on silver birthday. :)


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Silver

I'll be 25 in another two weeks, and for some unfathomable reason, I am pretty excited about this one. My birthdays are not really something I look forward to, and that's because of a lot of reasons- you keep building the hype for months and weeks and days and everything is over in just 24 hours, just like that, phoo; some calls never come, and you keep waiting till the end of the day, this thing constantly ticking at the back of you head; some unsaid expectations are not met, even though consciously you are not aware of these, but your heart shrinks when 'these things' don't happen.

That being said, this year has been quite a roller-coaster ride already, and there is not much to lose at this point in time. Hence the excitement. I've also made a special effort to clear the clutter, from my mind and physical space around me, just to make sure there is only good energy around my silver. And there are some little things that I have in mind to do for myself this birthday and in the year that follows. The best part- since my only expectations are from myself, it is only me that can disappoint me.

Silver Wishlist:
> Laptop
> Watch
> Bicycle
> Birthday dress



Silver resolutions:
> More sleep
> Less beer
> Lesser green tea
> More workout (more? more than nothing, atleast :/)
> More drawing
> More writing/blogging
> More cooking
> More saving
> More travel
> Turn down temper


Two more weeks with this subtle current of excitement that I am really hoping not to get jinxed, and bam! I'll be 25, quarter of a century.

*fingerscrossed*

22nd

23rd
24th




Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Chris Martin

If you never try you never know.

But what if you do try and it doesn't work out in your favor? Do you get a chance to go back and fix things and restore them to what they were, or do you live with the fact that somewhere down the line, probably years from now, you will wake up one day and regret this decision you took?

What if you don't try? Are you willing to live your life in the shadow of all the 'what ifs' that could've happened but didn't because you refused to try?

What is easier to do? To know for certain, even if things don't go your way, or to live a life imagining what could have been but didn't,

The choice is unbelievably hard, but it's a choice we all have to make at certain points in our lives-what stream to choose, which college to go to, study more or start working, money or happiness, hold on or let go, move away or keep trying.

There is no way to know what life has in store for us. The only certainty is change. The tiniest of decisions can alter our lives in ways unimaginable. But we live with it, we stop exploring every option, we stop doubting, we find assurance in the decisions we take when the outcomes are what we expected. Probably, this is what growing up is all about. You don't have the constant urge to deep dive in the unknown just to find out when or whether or not you'll surface.

But for how long? The urge will come back, as we won't have a choice to make anymore choices. And that choice of being in a place where no more choices can be made must have been some conscious decision we took.

At best, we can all live with it.

"The world is round for a reason, it's so that we can't see too far ahead of us."
Faith.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

(not so-)Random Conversation

[Sign-2/ 2008- 7 long years!]

Girl:"I think you're detatching yourself from me. I don't think I mean anything to you now. I've lost the importance that you once used to give me in your life.There's no point dragging it just for the heck of it. I feel you're suffocated and this time I'm sure I haven't done anything to be treated like a doormat."

Boy: "I know. I've also been thinking alot about this lately. I can't hurt you anymore. I can't deal with it. It's very difficult for me to continue. I just can't do it."

Girl: "Are you sure you want to do this to us? I hope you realise what you're doing and where it'll take us. I'm ready to accept you the way you are. I have absolutely no issues. I'll deal with it I swear. We'll manage if we can just give it one more chance. It will work. We can make it work."

Boy: "I can't do this anymore. I'm a completely different person now. I really love you and you mean a lot to me and this will be the best for the both of us."

Girl: "I understand why You have to do this."

Boy: "Thanks."

Girl: "But I still wish you din't have to."

Boy: "Me too."

Girl: "I love you."


This is from 2009. I feel so much better, already. Probably I just need to rake my older, more sorted self, and it'll all be good. Sometimes, the only sign the universe gives you is the one in your drafts. :)





To be content with oneself is one thing, to be content with the deeds we do is another. 

Rants.

It's been a year since I posted last. Well, almost.

There are days when you recognize yourself, there are days when you don't. Today is the latter. I have very little, almost nil, idea of the person that I have become. It is said that your 20s in not the time to be pulling your shit together, but does that give me (or any of us) a license to get so disillusioned that you lose track of life?

Don't get me wrong. I've not become a 'junkie', doing dope, or wasting my time. I have a new and steady job that is creatively challenging and keeps me on my toes at all times, I have a family that loves me but we stay apart because I chose to (though against their wishes but it has done good to the both of us), I have really smart friends who are extraordinary in their own way, doing unconventional jobs and redefining 'employment'. I have everything right, except in these past couple of years, I have stopped recognizing myself.

I have always been very principled- no traveling in autos that don't go by meter, never reaching late, aiming to be on a moral high ground, no unnecessary favours, saving money for future use and all those little things that make you who you are. But somewhere down the road, I have drifted from the angry young stubborn and no-nonsense girl image that I (and I'm sure others around me) had. I'm still stubborn, I still get angry, but I have also let people mould me in a way that I can't recognize.

This change was gradual, of that I am sure. But I don't remember when, bit by bit, I shed all my older layers and transformed into this stranger who I don't recognize. I have aged more than I should have in the last couple of years, I have put on more weight than I should have.

Sometimes, I just wish to go off to sleep and not wake up. Or rather wake up in another place, like Vietnam or somewhere. Disown this life of mine, get a new one. Why can't I do this? Why can't any of us do this? It's just so unfair!

I feel like I am constantly disappointing everyone around me, including and especially my family. I don't know what the reason behind this dissatisfaction is, but it is there. And its not nice.

Sometimes I feel this is just a phase, which I'm sure it is. C'mon, in the next five years, I an going to be a different person. I would've travelled places, met new people, grown high in my career, fallen in love, fallen out of love, probably be married, and then none of this would matter. But it matters now, and it is mattering a bit too much.

I'm writing this to just send a message out in the universe, just to know if there is someone who'll say-'there, it's ok to feel shitty. I got your back.' Just this.

The moral of the story is- I think I'm just bored and confused, like a lot of other 20 somethings. Right?