For my Love!

I see her on some nights,

Those fateful nights,

Feeding cats in her balcony.

I'm tempted to make my presence felt.

And I do.

And she notices.

I stare.

Flashes of those 15years pass by, just pass by.

For a moment, I think, she looked at me too.

Smiled, maybe.

I don't know if she knows what I feel,

Or maybe she feels the same too.

Will it ever be alright, I wonder.

And with that thought,

Amen!

Just randomly at 1am last night, had nothing better to do (that's obviously a lie. I could have read, slept, anything but THIS!!)

Inspired from the poem (otherwise fictitious) that Julia Stiles reads in the end for Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You".

{ I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.}

This is what my version is like:

I hate you for the fact that you know me so well,

I hate to think of the moment for you when I fell.

I hate to cry whenever I think of you,

I hate that with each other, we no longer have anything to do.

I hate the paths that I now have to travel alone,

I hate to admit that from my life you're gone.

I hate everything that reminds me of you,

I hate the fact that I don't really hate them too.

I hate to see how you just don't care,

I hate to know there is nothing we anymore share.

I hate to dream all day (and night) about you,

I hate the fact that you still just see through.

I hate how you threw me out of you life,

I hate the fact, that without you it's so hard to survive.

I hate to come up with excuses so that we can meet,

I hate that without you, I feel so incomplete.

I hate to be always giving you a thought,

I hate it so much because you still mean hell a lot.

I hate it when out of the blue I get your text,

I hate it when I spend hours thinking-what next?

I hate the fact that I can hate you never,

Because loving you once, now means loving you forever!!

P.S.: No (questioning) comments, please!

Moving On!!

I took a decision yesterday,
I'm not too sure how right, or how wrong,
All I know is that I'm the middle of this ocean, whose shore is not in my vicinity,
Just hoping that the tides, would sway me along.

I knew it would be hard,
But it's harder than I thought.
Becuase you still remain in my memory,
A memory that I thought I long back forgot.

You are my past, and this is my present,
This is a fact, to terms with which I have to come.
But like every other failed attempt to move away from you,
This might also be easier said than done!

I'll give in my everything to make this work,
I want to give in my heart and soul.
But feelings for you that have been supressed for long,
Will undoubtedly be very difficult to control!

Wasted Efforts

I spend almost all my time sitting in the chaupal. We have lots of dogs(and bitches) in our college premises. I've been around them for quite sometime now but recently(due to the circumstances), I'm somehow looking differently at the relationship these animals share.

There is this bitch whose is diseased. The area around her neck seems to have decayed. The fur in that part is gone and so the skin which was once under it is infected badly. But still the other dogs(or even us for that matter) do not discriminate against that bitch. The beautiful part about this (which compelled me to write about it) is that we all have accepted her the way she is. I fail to understand why is it so difficult for us humans to do the same? Why can't we come to terms with our flaws(and of others) and whatever other things we(and others) lack and be okay with it???????

And why can't some people be happy in being accepted the way they are?? When you are ready to deal with circumstances, the situation and everything that should have been there but is not, how can that 'other' person refuse to cooperate?? Don't they realise that efforts which are made by them to lessen our pain ultimately end up hurting us more than we can take??

We take decisions for our better, so why are we not able to come to terms with reality which follows after the decision as been made??

I'm lost, I'm confused and I'm hurt. I don't know what's happening or why is it happening and was it that necessary!!! Its sometimes best to be oblivious to reality, and this time its all I can and wish to do.

P.S. This might not make enough sense to all readers, but if you know me well enough then it definitely will.

Emotional Catharsis- Rediscovery of Self

Okay the title might sound a bit heavy but what we went through, trust me on that, was hell a lot heavier.
This was 2nd day of Bhawins’ workshop (details not required) where we were required to enact a scene describing some incident, object, thing, person, etc. etc. that influenced us in such a way that it changed us or our lives forever. Since none of us had prepared an act (or given much thought to it for that matter), we ended up recalling incidents that had changed us as a person.
The first person to go was Sana- Sana who I have always seen smiling and laughing and, till yesterday, emotionally the strongest in our group. She was in the wings for some time and when she entered, we could all sense that the incident she would narrate was a very emotional one. This is when the whole mood of the session- a very emotional mood, was set and by the end of it, suppressed sobs could be heard in that appalling silence. One by one we all went and talked about are experiences. It was beautiful to see how no one had prepared anything beforehand, yet the words seem to take their own flow. What struck a cord with all of us was the fact that how relationships-good or bad- change our lives in such a drastic way, the impact they have on us, and how we can’t get out these complexities, no matter how hard we try!
The saddest and the most depressing part was that we all had learnt from relationship that had not been successful; obviously the beautiful part being that we don’t regret them even though they failed because they taught us lessons about life which will be with us forever. Here I would like to quote Kaustabhi, “Even a diamond has to undergo exhaustive grilling before it shines the brightest.” So I guess after going through so much suffering, betrayal, pain and sorrow, we’ve come out as much more matured people. After all (damn! I’m so clichéd), all’s well that ends well!

P.S. Only I know how relieved I am after writing this piece. I’ve been trying to write about “relationships” for a really long time now, but in vain. I’m glad I could finally put something into words, even though it’s barely 10% of what’s inside me. The rest will come out, slowly but surely.