"Ek Hazaaro Mein Meri Behna Hai"

I miss my sister.
I haven't spoken to her in over a month now, and I miss her.

We weren't always like this.

When we were little, during winters, she used to convince me to let her keep her cold hands on my stomach. And I got convinced, just like that. I think it was mostly because I was too eager to please her. I've always thought she has had the perfect life. And since I wanted that perfect life too, I wanted to do everything like her. Except, I couldn't.

I don't remember the last time I had a 'sisterly' talk with her. The last I can remember is something when she was in Pune and I was in class XIth. That's six years back.

Anyhow, the reason why I was compelled to write this is because she is going to get married soon. And every night when I go to sleep, I want to be able to hold her and go to sleep. But there is something in me that just won't let me. I don't want to acknowledge it as my ego; I think it's just the fear of rejection, that she will shout at me, or snub me, or just ignore. I fear that I have disappointed her so much that there is no way back.

She'll be gone soon. Before that, I want to be able to hold her and sleep, her cold hand on my warm stomach, just like when we were kids. :(

To Feel or Not to Feel

Sometimes we feel the need to apologize for no reason at all, and sometimes we fail to own up to our mistakes just to satisfy our ego.
Sometimes we thank people just for their existence, sometimes we fail to thank them even when they've gone our of their way to help us out..

These two phrases- 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you'- have suddenly assumed so much importance in my life. I failed to thank my parents who forgave me for disappointing them, yet again. I failed to apologize to them for being this way. There are times I feel sorry, there are times when I feel thankful, and there are times when I am at a loss of words and my feelings refuse to take the shape of words.

This is what is happening a lot these days. Half the time I don't know what I'm feeling; the other half I spend fighting with myself whether to express those feelings or not. Either way, it's not a very nice situation to be in. You see, I am a very expressive person. I like telling people what's going on in my mind. Except these days, I just can't- not to parents, not to friends, no one- and it is frustrating.

I haven't stopped feeling; why is it that I've stopped expressing?

P.S. Happy Happy Diwali!! Have a bright and safe one! -|) 

Odd, she thought, how intensely you knew a person, or thought you did, when you were in love- soaked, drenched in love- only to discover later that perhaps you didn't know that person quite as well as you had imagined. Or weren't quite as well known as you had imagined to be.

In the beginning, a lover drank in every word and gesture and then tried to hold on to that intensity for as long as possible. But inevitably, if two people were together long enough, that intensity had to wane. It was the way people worked, with the need to evolve from being sick with love to making a life with someone who was also changing, evolving.

Cogito ergo sum.

I think (?) I've stopped thinking.
Does that mean I have stopped existing as well?

Let me think some more.

There is something about all my relationships. They seem real only when they are utterly dysfunctional.

"when everything seems like the movies, yea you bleed just to know you're alive"
One of my favorite songs. Guess I took it too literally.

#timetostoptakingshit

Relationships- Bad Investments?

Out of all the relations I have had in my life, the only ones which seem to reap whatever I sowed are the ones with my family. In fact, they reap more, every time.

After the falling apart of another relationship, I'm compelled to think how much time and energy do we end up wasting on each of these people who come and go out of our lives, all the time?
I had a best friend who stole my camera and sold it back to me, another one who managed to turn me against my own team (the team I consider family now), my boy-best-friend who went to another city and never turned to look back, and now this. In matters of love, when do you know you've done enough?

We invest our everything to make things work and they still don't. We box-up our self esteem aside and give in to desperate measures to save what we had. We do much more, and we still end up losing everything. I do.

I do, and maybe it is just me. But what I do know is that it isn't because I'm a bad person, it's because I let you down this one time and you aren't willing to give me another chance.

P.s. I'm writing all this truly believing in the fact that no one visits my blog. Don't disappoint me.

1.34pm

The only reason why I'm compelled to write this is because no one has the patience to hear me out otherwise. Maybe this is a waste of time and maybe I'm going to make absolutely no sense, but what matters is that I make sense to myself.

So I don't know if it was the alcohol talking, or would I have got the same reaction even if we were all sober. All that I do know is that the four of us (three plus one) did end up having the most serious conversation in the 4-5months I've known them.

What were we talking about- if it's OK to take one's life.
(This is sort of irrelevant but this started because I said something to the effect of  "I'm glad the guy who jumped on the track died. Would have been miserable if he had survived"- regarding this.)

Well, is it?

Yes. Why not? I mean all the time we're giving everyone a lot of crap about how its "our life", and only "we" get to make all the decisions regarding it. And we do this all the time- in front of parents (specially them; it's sort of become a trend to not agree with them. I see it happening all around me; I do it myself.), friends (actually, they mostly fall in the same bracket), siblings (who interfere in everything you do, wear, eat-everything! Mine does, all the time!), random aunties who think it's their moral obligation to tell you what (not) to wear, relatives who will tell you when and to whom should you get married, teachers who will decide when you can watch porn, or kiss, or have sex... Everyone has a say, in every thing that you do. And you don't like it!

So it's just simple logic. If you say "It's my life", I will (only logically) tell you "you have the right to take it."

There is this theory (I don't really know if it's a theory out there, but it's there in my head). So, the theory is that life is given to you, and no one has the right to take it (or something along those lines). Not even you yourself-because?

I don't know. I never found the answer.
Even if I did, it never seemed satisfactory.
Maybe that's why I don't retain it.