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guilt pangs

"when the wish and the fear are exactly the same, we call the dream a nightmare."

i read this line is a book(shantaram) i was reading a few months back, and suddenly its making a lot more sense to me than it did.

but what i am still not able to accept and make sense out of is the fact that dreams are what we consciously refrain from wishing for but unconsciously want. I'm having the same dream (or nightmare if u wish to call it so) since quite some time now, but when i think about it in broad daylight, i fail to make out why I'm indulging in such thoughts. they're not anything to be ashamed of but consciously when i think about it, i realise i don't what it to happen the way my dreams project it every now and then. and very frankly, my life would become miserable if it really does happen. in a way, it'll complete full circle.

there are people i despise, and i despise thinking about them to0. but they visit me in my thoughts quite often and leave me thinking for the days that follow. there are these other set of people i like to think about. i like to think about us being together, but they also cross my mind in the form of most disturbing of thoughts. I'm sort of stuck with this whole cycle of thinking about people i don't want to, and thinking differently about these other people i like having as a part of my life. n I've been trying very hard but don't find any solution to it. since this is the first time I'm talking about it, i really don't know if its common and prevalent amongst all people. but if its not, then i think i have a good reason to be worried about.

or maybe I'm still not clear on what i want and how i want it, and just being very passive and taking things as "magic bullets" without any questions.

whatever it is, my quest is still on..!

Comments

sara said…
hey MISHIKA u nt d only 1 who has sch pangs...evn i hav sm dreary thts abt sm ppl and at times it disturbs...smthing happens with the cerebral fluid....at times...ppl i wanna think of bt know nt as to how and how much..
hey mishika..i completely agree wid u..its said that v dream about things v consciously want in life..But dreams r mostly about people or things v don't wanna think about..so i am with u..my quest is also on :)
ishita-dasgupta said…
well frst of all...u r not d only 1! m sure many of us dream abt stuff v dont want happening...if u c d Freudian (ahem!) angle 2 it...it means u actually DO want it 2 happen...bt u jst dont think it wud b socially (or in sum other way..) acceptable 2 d ppl arnd u..
but u've got me totally intrigued mishi! i so hav 2 kno wat u've bin dreaming abt now..
kanika said…
lol!!..sum1nzz very attentiv in calss!!.."magic bullet"...hehe!!
waise really nice post!!..:)
Journo Gossip said…
go on..don't be shy .. visit!

journogossip.blogspot.com
Mishika said…
thank God im not alone in this! n thanks for the comments guys!
@sara:maybe you are right about the cerebral fluid. if one person/thing disappoints us, we(mind) switch to alternatives which include thinking about people we usually dont want to think about.
@gayatri:so it is contradictory to the studies in even your case. well then i am not the only one whose crazy enough to be an exception.
@ishita:the only reason i put in on my blog is because i refuse to talk about it to anyone. and i am sure I DONT WANT my dreams to turn into reality(atleast not the ones we are referring to!)...so even though i absolutely love Freud, i refuse to agree with this theory of his in certain cases.
@kanika:thanks.(sitting on the front bench, i dontb think i have an option but to listen).
@journogossip:it is not anything to be shy or ashamed of. n it would be very kind of you if you could take off this mask of yours and reveal who you are!
ishita-dasgupta said…
oh well! i never said I agreed wid Freud here...all of his theories r 4 men anyway! he never studied any females 4 his theories u kno..

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