This is from 2009. I feel so much better, already. Probably I just need to rake my older, more sorted self, and it'll all be good. Sometimes, the only sign the universe gives you is the one in your drafts. :)





To be content with oneself is one thing, to be content with the deeds we do is another. 

Rants.

It's been a year since I posted last. Well, almost.

There are days when you recognize yourself, there are days when you don't. Today is the latter. I have very little, almost nil, idea of the person that I have become. It is said that your 20s in not the time to be pulling your shit together, but does that give me (or any of us) a license to get so disillusioned that you lose track of life?

Don't get me wrong. I've not become a 'junkie', doing dope, or wasting my time. I have a new and steady job that is creatively challenging and keeps me on my toes at all times, I have a family that loves me but we stay apart because I chose to (though against their wishes but it has done good to the both of us), I have really smart friends who are extraordinary in their own way, doing unconventional jobs and redefining 'employment'. I have everything right, except in these past couple of years, I have stopped recognizing myself.

I have always been very principled- no traveling in autos that don't go by meter, never reaching late, aiming to be on a moral high ground, no unnecessary favours, saving money for future use and all those little things that make you who you are. But somewhere down the road, I have drifted from the angry young stubborn and no-nonsense girl image that I (and I'm sure others around me) had. I'm still stubborn, I still get angry, but I have also let people mould me in a way that I can't recognize.

This change was gradual, of that I am sure. But I don't remember when, bit by bit, I shed all my older layers and transformed into this stranger who I don't recognize. I have aged more than I should have in the last couple of years, I have put on more weight than I should have.

Sometimes, I just wish to go off to sleep and not wake up. Or rather wake up in another place, like Vietnam or somewhere. Disown this life of mine, get a new one. Why can't I do this? Why can't any of us do this? It's just so unfair!

I feel like I am constantly disappointing everyone around me, including and especially my family. I don't know what the reason behind this dissatisfaction is, but it is there. And its not nice.

Sometimes I feel this is just a phase, which I'm sure it is. C'mon, in the next five years, I an going to be a different person. I would've travelled places, met new people, grown high in my career, fallen in love, fallen out of love, probably be married, and then none of this would matter. But it matters now, and it is mattering a bit too much.

I'm writing this to just send a message out in the universe, just to know if there is someone who'll say-'there, it's ok to feel shitty. I got your back.' Just this.

The moral of the story is- I think I'm just bored and confused, like a lot of other 20 somethings. Right?

Attachment

I've always thought that attachment was a non-physical entity, just an emotional bond, that you develop over time. It was only very recently that I discovered that, for me, it is more of a physical thing. And this is the best way I could describe it-

"It's like you open own up to another person, layer by layer. Initially, only the first few, superficial layers come out, the one where your opinions, your interests, your stories are hidden. These layers are the ones we shed every now and then, to make way for new layers, for new opinions, new interests, and new stories. But somewhere, as time passes by, you open up your deeper layers and let someone else in, with them letting you in at the same time. It's not a conscious process, it's just how it is. Strangers that you have just met suddenly seem to know you better than 'friends' you have spent so much time with. Before you know, you have shed the deepest layers and bared your soul to someone, without even knowing about it. Consciously, you're just 'close' to that person, you 'like taking to' them, et cetera. Then layers start overlapping each other and they enjoin each other to form something you are not even aware of yet.

But then this thing happens. You can't describe it.  You can't really pin point what it is. All you know is that bit by bit, something is happening, and that something, you can feel in your belly when you go off to sleep, you can feel in your heart when you wake up in the morning, you can feel it in your gut, every time you think of that person.

It's the other person withdrawing. Suddenly, all the layers that were perfectly moulded with that person are left open, left open vulnerable to damage. You hurt, layer by layer, inch by inch, and with every layer being left damaged, you lose a bit of yourself.

And it is that that makes you physically sick, the open layers looking for comfort, that makes you twist and turn all night, that makes your heart sink every time you think of that person, that leaves a sour taste in your mouth every time you take their name."

I wish I could draw. The layers. This just sounds very weird now. :/

Of this and that.

Hi, it's been a while, I know.
The 100 workout days never happened, 100 happy days did.

This is not about either. This is about what someone just said, something that went like "main apni phooti kismet par ro raha hun". (I am crying over my rotten luck)

And it made me think if kismet really means anything, and if it just not a result of all the rotten choices we make in life believing them to be right at that very moment.

Whenever Ma is giving me some gyaan, she almost always ends with "aur ye time kabhi wapas nahi ayega" (This moment is never going to come back). It is only now I realise how true it is. This time, 10.24pm on 21st May 2014, will NEVER come back in my life, and whatever choice I make at this point in time, I will have to live with it forever.

Kismet, luck, fate, destiny, or whatever else you call it is nothing but all the life choices you have made, all the 'what ifs?' that will never be answered and all the roads not taken. And it is when none of this works in our favour, we blame our kismet.

That. Just wanted to spell that out.
For my own future reference.

Sleep tight.

Day 9

And my favorite day is here!!

So today was a good good day. Body is getting used to all the exercise. And it feels goooooooood!!
I went to ComicCon today. Pictures are on their way.

Sunday well spent.

PS: The posts are getting shorter by the day.

Day 8

Good gooood day!! I started something new. It was fun. 15mins have now stretched to almost 25mins.
I hope I am able to continue with this.
Damn tired. Hopefully a longer post tomorrow.

Goodnight! :*

Day 6 and 7

So yes, I skipped two days, and am pretty bummed about it. Although I think I knew this was coming. It was dear dear friends birthday and the last 36 hours just...well..how do I put it...slipped away!

Any how, tomorrow is a new day. The count will be the same, but I'm hoping this was just a one off. A long lost friend just told me that I should "looooouuvveeee" it and make it my PRIORITY. I'm listening, mister. Don't you worry.

PS. The party was fab!!