Such Sweet Nothing!

It's a good good day.
I have never waited so impatiently for life to 'start'. College will be over in a few months and I will finally be able to do the things I have always wanted to do. There is a very fresh excitement in the air, the kind that I last felt sometime in 2008. Seems like the beginning of a new end.

It feels good. Really good.
Don't know how else to put it.

Kissing the world with fingers crossed.

'The Feeling'

The Feeling makes me question every relation I have.
The Feeling makes me question the people I call 'my friends'. It makes me question my idea of 'friendship'.
The Feeling makes me feel nothing.
The Feeling, on days like this one, makes it hard for me to breathe.

They say when you are betrayed, every fibre of your body reacts to it. They are right. The Feeling makes each and every cell of my body, each part of my being, writhe in pain.
The Feeling makes me question my existence.
The Feeling makes me question my choices, all of them.

The Feeling tells me I never made any 'friends'. The Feeling tells me denial is good only till it lasts. The Feeling is right. It always has been.

The Feeling makes me lose hope, bit by bit, every single day, every moment of it.
The Feeling  kicks me back to reality as soon as I forget it even exists.

The Feeling, it shall stay with me. The Feeling, it's all that will always stay with me.

"Ek Hazaaro Mein Meri Behna Hai"

I miss my sister.
I haven't spoken to her in over a month now, and I miss her.

We weren't always like this.

When we were little, during winters, she used to convince me to let her keep her cold hands on my stomach. And I got convinced, just like that. I think it was mostly because I was too eager to please her. I've always thought she has had the perfect life. And since I wanted that perfect life too, I wanted to do everything like her. Except, I couldn't.

I don't remember the last time I had a 'sisterly' talk with her. The last I can remember is something when she was in Pune and I was in class XIth. That's six years back.

Anyhow, the reason why I was compelled to write this is because she is going to get married soon. And every night when I go to sleep, I want to be able to hold her and go to sleep. But there is something in me that just won't let me. I don't want to acknowledge it as my ego; I think it's just the fear of rejection, that she will shout at me, or snub me, or just ignore. I fear that I have disappointed her so much that there is no way back.

She'll be gone soon. Before that, I want to be able to hold her and sleep, her cold hand on my warm stomach, just like when we were kids. :(

To Feel or Not to Feel

Sometimes we feel the need to apologize for no reason at all, and sometimes we fail to own up to our mistakes just to satisfy our ego.
Sometimes we thank people just for their existence, sometimes we fail to thank them even when they've gone our of their way to help us out..

These two phrases- 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you'- have suddenly assumed so much importance in my life. I failed to thank my parents who forgave me for disappointing them, yet again. I failed to apologize to them for being this way. There are times I feel sorry, there are times when I feel thankful, and there are times when I am at a loss of words and my feelings refuse to take the shape of words.

This is what is happening a lot these days. Half the time I don't know what I'm feeling; the other half I spend fighting with myself whether to express those feelings or not. Either way, it's not a very nice situation to be in. You see, I am a very expressive person. I like telling people what's going on in my mind. Except these days, I just can't- not to parents, not to friends, no one- and it is frustrating.

I haven't stopped feeling; why is it that I've stopped expressing?

P.S. Happy Happy Diwali!! Have a bright and safe one! -|) 

Odd, she thought, how intensely you knew a person, or thought you did, when you were in love- soaked, drenched in love- only to discover later that perhaps you didn't know that person quite as well as you had imagined. Or weren't quite as well known as you had imagined to be.

In the beginning, a lover drank in every word and gesture and then tried to hold on to that intensity for as long as possible. But inevitably, if two people were together long enough, that intensity had to wane. It was the way people worked, with the need to evolve from being sick with love to making a life with someone who was also changing, evolving.

Cogito ergo sum.

I think (?) I've stopped thinking.
Does that mean I have stopped existing as well?

Let me think some more.

There is something about all my relationships. They seem real only when they are utterly dysfunctional.

"when everything seems like the movies, yea you bleed just to know you're alive"
One of my favorite songs. Guess I took it too literally.

#timetostoptakingshit