For my Love!

I see her on some nights,

Those fateful nights,

Feeding cats in her balcony.

I'm tempted to make my presence felt.

And I do.

And she notices.

I stare.

Flashes of those 15years pass by, just pass by.

For a moment, I think, she looked at me too.

Smiled, maybe.

I don't know if she knows what I feel,

Or maybe she feels the same too.

Will it ever be alright, I wonder.

And with that thought,

Amen!

:'(

09.03.2010

Trying hard to fight fate,

A fate that is still unknown,

Trying to figure out what (who) is meant for me,

Or if forever I have to be alone.

I took a decision sometime back,

Which till today was the best i'd taken so far,

But now I'm as unsure as I was before,

Wondering if my whole world will fall apart.

I'm scared of what lies in store for me,

Scared of the future that's yet to come,

Scared that it will get ruined again,

Scared that I will have nowhere to run.

Disappointed,

Mish-ika

Kol-ka-taaa!!

Just uploading some pics because no words can do justice to what I felt when I was there. :D

Movie time!

I'm starting with the shoot of my fifth documentary tomorrow. And by shoot I mean I'm acting in it, not directing it. :(

It's "an intense love story", directed by students of final year M.A. Mass Communication, Jamia. Looking forward to it . :)

I've been planning on making my own movie since the beginning of this year, but somehow never got enough time. But that is just another excuse I know. Anyway, I hope I manage to direct one by the end of this semester.

**fingers crossed**

Oh and I saw "Pyaar Impossible". Horrible horrible movie. Sheer waste of money!

P.S. Dear anon stalker, I know who you are. I thought you had a life, but unfortunately you don't. I feel sorry for you.

<3

People try to harm it but the caravan moves on,

The caravan finds love-an eternal bond.

Love resides like a secret inside,

The two lovers promise to stay side by side.

Its something that cannot be broken,

Its unbreakable because o the words that were spoken.

The lovers love, the lovers hide,

But no one can take away from them what they have, even if they died..

The Good, the Bad (and the Inevitable End!) of Relationships :X

Somehow all relationships that I thought, even till the beginning of this year to be lifelong, ended in the most disgusting way. I don't know if it was my fault (I'm so sure I can't be wrong always!!) or the other person, but the fact remains that we are no longer a part of each others life.

Instance 1: I knew her for the longest time I have ever known a person. She was my 'best friend forever' type friend. We'd been there, with each other, through thick and thin, through everything. Still something went wrong, something so grave that it cannot be reversed no matter how hard I try. It just cant be back to what it was. I am still friends with her, still same on the face of it, but deep down I know I can never trust her, never ever. Its ruined, forever! :(

Instance 2: If ever there was any person who came close to me in the shortest time period possible, it was this friend from school. We were best friends for about two-three years and suddenly that came to an end too, in another disgusting but sort of expected way. I still did expect us to sort it out sooner or later, but i guess its already to late. I have learnt so much from this. One thing is for sure, I can never invest 100% in any of my relationships because I am more than sure that it will end. So well, whats the point?? *sigh*

Instance 3: The same happened with another close friend. We had issues with how we dealt with stuff on a regular basis. But that was something we always sorted out. Then suddenly he walked out of my life. no questions, no explanations. just (maybe not so) randomly. But now I know think it was sort of a good thing to happen, for reasons I'm still trying to get straight in my head. All i know is I can never be friends with him again, for the simple fact that you are no on to keep walking-in and out of my life as per your own convenience. Hello!! I might be an emotional fool, but I'm not all that dumb!

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is, after seeing all this in just year (actually from March to June only), that all relationships do come to an end sooner or later. I am no one to make such a comment about everyone, but it definitely is true for me. No matter how hard I (we??) try, it just does end. People don't remain in touch, some just get better friends, and most just generally grow apart. There is this expiry date that comes along with all my relationships, its just inevitable.

And I'm living with it now, and it's just a very convenient thing to do as of now. Regrets can come later if they have to.

:D

Chhu kar

Mere mann ko

kiya tune

Kya ishara

Badla yeh mausam

Laga pyaara jag saara...

Chhu kar..

Main khush hoon aaj khamakha!!

I've not been this happy for quite a while now. There is no particular reason (maybe there is, still figuring it out though!) but its just a phase which I want to enjoy till it lasts, and write about it so that I can feel the same joy again when I read it later.

There is no justification for doing something that is wrong, because since you know it is a wrong, the justification doesn't help. The other option can be to not think about it. Right now I know I am wrong, and as she said it- "It's karma, it will all come back to you sooner or later."- I'm ready for that also. Being selfish isn't that bad a thing after all, specially when you have given the other person food for thought.

I'm enjoying this time and I refuse to get out of it for my selfish reasons. I know I'm hurting people but then I've been hurt too. (Just when I thought I was happy, I realised how cynical I have become!!)

Anyway,

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Ya iss dil mein hai koi wajah

Na jaanu main iss mod par

Ajab aisa hua hai kya

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Ki dil mein khushi ke rang hain

Aur mann mein shukriya

Ki ye samay mere sang hai!

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Na darr na fikr hai ab mujhe

Takdeer to khud hi likhi hai

To kaun rok sakega mujhe??

18 July!

18 July 2006: The best decision for my life was taken by the worst person I have ever known.

I feel so stupid when I think about what happened 3years ago, and how much it meant to me at that point in time. I was sure I would never get over it, but I did. Eventually. Time does heal everything, at least most of the things that are ugly memories and scar your mind to such an extent that you have no option but to not think about it at all (but even with that in mind, you do end up thinking about it!).

Thanks for being such a horrible person, it made flushing you out of my life so easy. And thanks for taking that decision. If not for that, I would have probably suffocated to death!

Random..

"I don't know why love starts or why it ends, but it only seems real when it's in a mess." -Head Over Heels.

"How liberating it is to love someone so much, and not be able to love anyone else, at all..

And not care whether that someone loves you, or not, or someone else, or have the potential to love anyone at all.." -Mishika

Just randomly at 1am last night, had nothing better to do (that's obviously a lie. I could have read, slept, anything but THIS!!)

Inspired from the poem (otherwise fictitious) that Julia Stiles reads in the end for Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You".

{ I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.}

This is what my version is like:

I hate you for the fact that you know me so well,

I hate to think of the moment for you when I fell.

I hate to cry whenever I think of you,

I hate that with each other, we no longer have anything to do.

I hate the paths that I now have to travel alone,

I hate to admit that from my life you're gone.

I hate everything that reminds me of you,

I hate the fact that I don't really hate them too.

I hate to see how you just don't care,

I hate to know there is nothing we anymore share.

I hate to dream all day (and night) about you,

I hate the fact that you still just see through.

I hate how you threw me out of you life,

I hate the fact, that without you it's so hard to survive.

I hate to come up with excuses so that we can meet,

I hate that without you, I feel so incomplete.

I hate to be always giving you a thought,

I hate it so much because you still mean hell a lot.

I hate it when out of the blue I get your text,

I hate it when I spend hours thinking-what next?

I hate the fact that I can hate you never,

Because loving you once, now means loving you forever!!

P.S.: No (questioning) comments, please!

Hey! I'm adopted!

Chumki's favorite pass time is to irritate me. This is something she aces. No matter how hard I try, I can't ignore her for long (You'll know exactly why if you know either of us well). And she is very creative when it comes to ways of irritating me.

So this time she came up with this whole story of how and why I was adopted (No I haven't been adopted. I am my parents child, but Chumki has a different story altogether!) This is what it goes like (explanation being given to R, in front of Ma):

"I am the first child, so obviously I was extremely pampered. Ma and Papa gave me so much that I got bored of everything (which includes all my toys, friends, books, etc etc). So they obviously wanted to get something that could entertain me for sometime at least. That's when they got her (i.e. Mishika) so that I wouldn't get bored. But later they got attached and adopted her."

Amusing!!

P.S. I have heard so many of these "how-and-why-I-was-adopted" stories that I don't even believe them anymore (initially I did :p).

Plus I resemble my family members way too much to buy that I am adopted.

Hard luck Chumki!!

Brida: Paulo Coelho!!

I just liked these lines/quotes/ideas/(whatever) a lot!!

• We study what we can see, but what we see is not always what exists.
• As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.
• The night is just a part of the day.
• Miracles can't be explained, but they exist for those who believe in them.
• What is outside is harder to change than what is inside.
• Judging oneself to be inferior to others is one of the worst forms of pride you can know, because it is the most destructive way of being different.
• It isn't explanations that carry us forward, it is our desire to go on.
• People get used to their own mistakes, and it's not long before they start taking them as virtues.
• This far, and no farther!
• They had confessed their love to each other and now, they were embarrassed to look each other in the eye.
• Love is no respecter of reasons.
• You only live twice- once when you are born, and once when you look death in the face.

Moving On!!

I took a decision yesterday,
I'm not too sure how right, or how wrong,
All I know is that I'm the middle of this ocean, whose shore is not in my vicinity,
Just hoping that the tides, would sway me along.

I knew it would be hard,
But it's harder than I thought.
Becuase you still remain in my memory,
A memory that I thought I long back forgot.

You are my past, and this is my present,
This is a fact, to terms with which I have to come.
But like every other failed attempt to move away from you,
This might also be easier said than done!

I'll give in my everything to make this work,
I want to give in my heart and soul.
But feelings for you that have been supressed for long,
Will undoubtedly be very difficult to control!

My Diary :) :) :)

It's good to see you after such a long time,

What memories you bring back, 

It's hard to define.

A part of me lies secretly in you.

A part of me, which the world otherwise just sees through.

It's not just my state of mind,

It's you that gets these words out.

It's you that relaxes, calms my mind, 

more than it could have been, 

by shedding silent tears,  or a loud shout.

I love you more each day, 

Today more than yesterday,

And today, less than tomorrow.

Love

Tutul

P.S. For my diary, which I had abandoned for some time because of some stupid reasons.

        It's so good to have you back. :)

P.P.S. Thanks Aman, for gifting it to me.

Cheero- my love!! <3

I got back from Pune last 13th and was welcomed with this cute little thing. This chhotu puggy was 40 days old when i met him (now 50) and is just the size of a full grown rat. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. Shivam (his owner) has been very kind to me regarding my new found love. He drops him everyday at my place for sometime while he can play downstairs. Puggy was unwell a few days back. he had fever but thankfully he is doing fine now. :)

  I've named him Cheero although Shivam refuses to call him that. He is still trying up to come up with a name for him. 

Acts of Faith: PART 1

Acts of Faith: Eric Segal
Chapter 28

Deborah averted her eyes and nervously plucked at blades of grass. At last she spoke.
"I've really been through a lot since.....that night."
She told him about her servitude in Mea Sherim and her flight to freedom.
"You were very brave.: he murmured.
"My father didn't exactly see it that way."
"I'll bet," he acknowledged. "He's a very strong-willed person."
"So am I. I'm his daughter after all," she said. "Besides, I've done a lot of growing up. I'm nearly twenty now."
"Yes," he responded, gazing at her face, "and very beautiful."
"That's not what I meant," she said shyly.
"I know. I was just changing the subject to something more important."
"Don't you want to know the rest of my story?" she asked uneasily.
"Some other time." He moved within a arms length of her, still not touching.
"I'd like to hear about how it was in the seminary," she said.
"No, you wouldn't," he whispered. "Not this minute anyway."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Deborah," he persisted, "I can read your thoughts. You're feeling scared and guilty."
She lowered her head, clenched her fists, and said, "Yes, you're right--I am. But its natural to be scared. I don't know why I feel so guilty."
He held out his hand and raised her face to look at his. "You're afraid its wrong," he murmured. "But it isn't, Deborah. believe me, there is nothing wrong with the way we feel about each other."
His hand was moving gently down her shoulder.
"Tim, what's going to happen to us?"
"Today? Tomorrow? Next week? I don't know Deborah, and I don't care. I just know I'm with you now. I love you, and I won't let you go."




Their faces were inches apart. It was as if she was on the edge of a precipice for the three aching years they had been separated.
And the Deborah suddenly let go.
She put her arms around his neck and kissed him.
She remembered how it had been with Avi.
And now she knew the difference.
As they held each other tightly, Tim whispered, "Deborah, I can't believe this is a sin."
She nodded wordlessy as they embraced.
Both were nervous, yet niether was afraid. Though completely innocent, they knew intricacies of the act of love.
It was yet another sign that they were doing what was meant to be.
And so, in a wooded coener near the Sea of Galilee, the future priest and the rabbi's daughter consummated the passion that had begun one Sabbath eve so long ago.

Acts of Faith: PART 2

Acts of Faith: By Eric Segal
Chapter 29: Timothy
"They parted at the Jerusalem bus station. As Deborah climbed onto the first step, he impulsively pulled her back for one last embrace.
He could not let her go. He loved her with a fire so intense it would have burnt all his resolve had Deborah allowed it.
"we shouldn't do this," she protested weakly. "Your friends, I mean the ones who saw us--"
"I don't care--I don't care about anything but you."
"That's not true--"
"I swear to God. Ilove you more."
"No, Tim, you really don't know how you feel."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because I don't know myself."
She tried to break away, not only because his priesthood was at risk but because, for her own sake, she had to leave now or never. And she did not want him to remember her face streaming with tears.
Yet as they stood in one another's arm, she could feel the sob he, too, was struggling to supress.
Their parting words were the same--and spoken almost in unision. Each told the other, "God bless you."
And turned away.