COGITO, ERGO SUM !

The North and South of Delhi University

2011-12-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

Because this year has been so harsh on me (and even worse on friends around), there is nothing more I wish for right now than this year to get over.

2012, Please come soon!

And because so many things have happened, there was no time to blog.

But killing these ten days is going to be more difficult than I thought, so I'd rather vent here than anywhere else.

If I hadn't announced it already (clears throat), I'm doing law! Law from North Campus. Now when I come to dissect this, I cannot decide which out the two is a bad thing (if at all any of it is, that is). I've wanted to do law since long (or so I think), and I'd already dropped it once. Dropping it the second time would have killed me. But the thing is that I fell in love with film-making in these three years (remember three years of graduation? I did it in Journalism), and divorcing that killed me too. It's the second-toughest choice I've ever had to make in my life. (The first one was dropping either Maths or Biology in 12th- I dropped Maths)

Now the North Campus part. When the whole world was pining to get into North, I had comfortably settled down in Kamala Nehru, an off-South Campus college. And when people had started growing tired of it, I wanted to spend my every breathing second there (owing to, of course, the many many friends I had there). And now, when all have them have passed out (Yes, people clear college and move on with life!), I am here, in North, for the next THREE years.

For someone who has not been a part of Delhi University, understanding this Campus war will be difficult. Let's just say the even though most of North Campus college are arch rivals, when it comes to rivalry with South Campus colleges, they gang-up. And while being in North Campus is in itself a status quo, The South-ies are always ready to defend their Campus.

Anyhow, the thing is, I'm doing Law, and I'm doing it from North Campus. Period.

P.S. I finally turned 21. I'd started feeling like I was the only one who hadn't hit the mark yet; somehow the whole world had crossed it much before I did!

DUSU Elections: Of floods and Cops!

2011-09-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

I'm referring to them as 'floods' just because it's more dramatic than just 'rain' or 'water-logging'.

I thought I'd have much more to say when I was clicking these, but somehow now I don't want to.
I guess that is what happens when you discuss politics all the time; you get sick of it.

Security arrangement on Chhatra Marg, right outside Faculty of Law

Ramjas, Back Gate

Delhi Metro, Platform number 2

Chhatra Marg

Again!

Back to security

I was just trying to be cool. :p

P.s. Somehow the cop-show and the Delhi rains ended up becoming more interesting that the whole election process.

Slut Walk arthaat Besharmi Morcha- Finally!

2011-08-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, the Walk did take place. And no, it wasn't a gathering, it was a proper walk.
Around thousand people turned up, and I am more than satisfied with what we have achieved. The pictures, appreciation, comments, remarks, criticisms- everything is available online.

What isn't is what I wish to share.
One of the radio stations did a show on how a Walk like this would change the society. My first reaction was to switch the station, but I din't, and I'm glad.

So this man called up and said-

"मैं भी लड़कियों को घूरा करता था पहले, पर मुझे समझ नहीं आता था इसमें दिक्कत क्या है? I now know that something as basic as staring is actually violating someone's privacy. I'm glad that the Walk din't focus only on rapes, but so-called 'trivial' issues like staring. It was an eye-opener."

I'm still smiling.
Sweet taste of satisfaction.

Slut Walk arthaat Besharmi Morcha- Take 3

2011-07-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Slut Walk arthaat Besharmi Morcha- Take 2

2011-07-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

Click on the picture to enlarge it.

SlutWalk Delhi arthaat Besharmi Morcha.
Sunday, 31 July.
10.30am to 12.30pm.
Jantar Mantar Road.

See you.

Majaa Maa!

2011-06-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

25th May, 2011- Bombay
25th June, 2011- Ahmedabad!

In these six months, I have been to four different states for all different reasons, and fallen in love with each of them. When I think of all these trips now, it's hard to decide which one was better than the other. I have fallen in love, with all the three places- Kolkata, Bombay and Ahmedabad.

I think I mentioned why I went to Kolkata and Bombay.
Quick recap- Kolkata, because our documentary got selected for the Annual Film Festival of St. Xavier's College.
Bombay- for my PG interview in Xaveirs Institute of Communication.

And now Ahmedabad, for a short internship. Hardly an internship though. It was more like a paid vacation, sponsored by MyFM (wonderful wonderful people), and all we had to do was perform a street play that we made in a week's time (whatte fun!).

Just putting up pictures (yet again!) because I can't begin to explain how much fun it was.

12 people (sab ek se badh kar ek item!). Awesome fun!

SlutWalk Arthaat Besharmi Morcha- Take 1

2011-06-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_165762856819801&ap=1

If you google SlutWalk, you'll come across a number of interesting articles about this global movement. However, when it comes to SlutWalk Delhi, even though the name carries the burden of being inspired by the Walks held all over the globe, our issue is quite different. In fact, not all that different, but definitely more basic.

We want the right and freedom to choose-what to wear, what kind of jobs to take up, when to travel, where to travel, who to be with, anything and everything.

Within three days of creating the event on facebook, the 'attending' list had already crossed five thousand. The sad part is that not all of them get what we're trying to say, and still want to 'attend' it because of the 'fancy' name , and the kind of attention it as ended up attracting.

We are NOT asking to let us dress-up as 'sluts' and walk on the roads. We are asking you to mind your own business, specially if you think I have a bust-line worth staring, or it's ok to hum cheap songs or whistle when I'm in a public space.
We MOST DEFINITELY are targeting the mentality of the people. If you think that, well, 'a dress is a yes', I have an issue with you. And I will only feel satisfied once I've talked you out of this.
This is NOT an anti-boy's movement. It's as much as 'anti-girls' movement in that case then, because we have issues with girls who refuse to speak-up!
Yes I am a FEMINIST. And so are you if you think both the genders need to be treated equally. There, I just broke your bubble. It's not a bad word to be associated with. Stop shielding yourself every time you're called a feminist.

http://www.rediff.com/getahead/slide-show/slide-show-1-specials-all-about-delhis-first-ever-slutwalk/20110616.htm

This article says a lot of things we are trying to say. Do read it if you come across this piece.

Be a part of the movement if you feel for it. Discuss it with us if you don't. Just don't keep sitting out there, pretending it doesn't matter, because it does.

Hello Bombay!!

2011-05-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

I smile every time I think of what I did in Bombay. And I smile because I can explain it better just by doing that.
Every time I did something awesome, I made a mental note of blogging about it. But somehow, none of that is going to be written here. One, because it is tooo much. And second, because it was one crazy trip, and people are judgmental.

So just posting pictures. Clicked around 300, but would be posting only selected few.
Rest are here and there.

Across Victoria Terminus

Jewelery Shop, Colaba Causeway

Antiques, Colaba Causeway

Gateway of India

Bugghy Ride, reminds me of 'Salaam Bombay'

Somewhere, where I'm not supposed to be.

'The' Taj

Marine Drive, not supposed to be here either.

Bombay Boys

Marine Drive, 05.48am

Sea-Link, to Bandra

Sea Link

Cafe Mondegar

Colaba Causeway, another random shop.

I want!

Cafe Leopold, 26/11, part of history. And, of course, Shantaram.

Chow-party!

Bagdadi Restaurant

Navy Nagar

Marine Drive

P.S. I know it's Mumbai, and not Bombay. Please don't bother pointing that out. I will still call it Bombay. :)

The Leaver and The Leavee (or, The Ignorer and The Ignoree)

2011-04-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

As explained by a friend, "In every relationship, there is a Leaver and a Leavee. While the Leaver leaves, the Leavee gets left behind." And I shall add, this might just be a way to maintain balance in a relationship.

I had come up with the same thing (and it the same context, which of course is not of much importance now) a few days before him, the only difference being his Leaver was my Ignorer and his Leavee was my Ignoree. And again, the same old story, while the Ignorer ignores, the Ignoree keeps getting ignored.

I rest my case.

FRIHET Pictures :D

2010-12-08T01:02:00.000-08:00

Play: FRIHET -A Montage on Ibsen Women

Directed By: Mishika Singh and Nupur Saha

Lights: Mishika Singh

Sounds: Diksha Dumra

Costume: Lakshya, team

Make-up: Mrignaina Chandra

Photographs by: Nishant Chandra

Irene -Swedha Singh

Mrs. Alving -Umang Sabarwal

The Man -Ayushi Das

Lona -Apeksha Verma

Nora -Ananya Banerjee

Margit -Urvashi Kapuria

Confessions of a Workaholic (?)

2010-12-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

'Confessions of a Patient' would have been more apt title, but I wouldn't want to do that to myself one day before my big day.

So ya, this semester, more that work, it's been illness that had kept me away. After the last post about Mail Today (that would be end of June), I slipped on the stairs broke my back (almost, severe spinal injuries). Took me a month to get better. And in September again I was down with viral, so one whole week of good food that seemed tasteless and very high temperature!

End of September went surprisingly well. My first play -FRIHET (first one which I co-directed) was staged in Little Theatre Group Auditorium as a part of the Delhi Ibsen Theatre Festival which, by the way, was huge.

(Uploading the pictures. The lights look wonderful; I did them :P )

September was also my movie making month. Yes, after two long years of procrastination, we finally made our movie (but that was under compulsion, so doesn't really count). It was about Virginity and Men. I would've uploaded that too but the file is too big.

I haven't done much after that. Our new street play, JASHN, was not well received by the audience. But that was pretty much expected, since we are totally going against the 'norms' of street theatre.

The good part is that HUM PAR HAI AAROP, the street play that I did in my first year was adjudged the Best Directed Play in the Asmita Street Theatre Festival. (Pictures!!)

FRIHET was also selected for Atelier Youth Theatre Week 2010 and we performed it with major modifications in Kamani Auditorium on November 20th. However, the play did not get selected for Old World Theatre Festival :(

College is over in terms of classes. Still have four long months of dissertation and intenship to go, but that should be fun. Lakshya, however, will make sure that I turn up for practice everyday (once I get over this stupid spell of cold and tonsils) and not cry about missing college already.

That is mostly what I have been up to. I felt guilty not writing for so long, and this is actually quite a relief. It was like abandoning my blog, and I'm glad to be back.

P.S. My sister is quite like the epitome of style. She is, at least for me, considering I'm, in her words, 'fashionably challenged'. And she is a lawyer by profession. Now the reason I'm writing this as post-script is because she is very soon going to start her own fashion blog, and though I have nothing to do with style or fashion, I am VERY excited about this. It amusing how she makes all of click pictures of her every single day. But trust me, she is good, really good. :D

hello :)

2010-07-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hello, because i don't know what else to call it. It's been almost a month since i last blogged. Probably the longest break I have taken. But i had my reasons :)

1. i slipped on the stairs and hurt my spine so badly that i was on bed rest for 10 days! thankfully, i didn't fracture it. been walking around the house lately, and that itself feels like some big achievement.

2. another relationship came to an end. the only consolation is that none (well, almost) of it was my fault. but ya, analyzing it did keep me quite occupied.

3. college theatre meetings keep me busy! we haven't yet started with the academic year but Lakshya (my dramatics society) has already been working for almost a month now.

will post something as soon as i manage to clear my head.

p.s. result out. 71.25% :D :D

Losing Faith

2010-06-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

Losing faith, in life and it's ways
Losing faith, one incident is all it takes
And then you question what it's all about
You wonder if its worth the pain
When you have nothing, there is nothing to lose, and therefore, nothing at stake
Too many questions, none are answered
Too many questions
Losing faith, in life and its ways
One little incident, one small, minor incident, that will push you off the track
One incident is all it takes
Losing faith, in life and its ways

Disturbed,
Tutul

Mail Today, again!

2010-06-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

CATE: June 10th

MOMOS AND MORE: June 14th

HUNT FOR BED: June 15th

:D :D :D

Second Time Lucky :)

2010-06-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

http://mishikadevcom.blogspot.com/2010/06/second-time-lucky.html

First By-Line!

2010-06-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

Yes I got my first by-line in today's Mail Today, pg 14!!

Its a great feeling to see my name there :D.
The image isn't all that clear, so posting a link (or you can just click on the pic).
(http://epaper.mailtoday.in/Details.aspx?boxid=24942390&id=37557&issuedate=762010)

"By Mishika Singh in New Delhi".. Fancy, ain't it??

Also, Happy Birthday to my chuddy buddy (amongst other things), so double celebration!!

On a High,
Mish-ika ;)

Mail Today!

2010-06-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I started interning with Mail Today from June 1.I attended my first Press Conference, and filed my first report. Needless to say, i'm getting into this whole journo feel and am loving it.

P.s. Waiting for my first byline.

P.p.s. I'd be uploading whatever I write over here, even if it doesn't get published. Please feel free to comment. In fact, you'll be doing me a favour :)

FIRE!!!

2010-05-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

For my Love!

2010-04-18T00:24:00.000-07:00

I see her on some nights,

Those fateful nights,

Feeding cats in her balcony.

I'm tempted to make my presence felt.

And I do.

And she notices.

I stare.

Flashes of those 15years pass by, just pass by.

For a moment, I think, she looked at me too.

Smiled, maybe.

I don't know if she knows what I feel,

Or maybe she feels the same too.

Will it ever be alright, I wonder.

And with that thought,

Amen!

DTC, My Love!

2010-03-26T07:32:00.001-07:00

:'(

2010-03-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

09.03.2010

Trying hard to fight fate,

A fate that is still unknown,

Trying to figure out what (who) is meant for me,

Or if forever I have to be alone.

I took a decision sometime back,

Which till today was the best i'd taken so far,

But now I'm as unsure as I was before,

Wondering if my whole world will fall apart.

I'm scared of what lies in store for me,

Scared of the future that's yet to come,

Scared that it will get ruined again,

Scared that I will have nowhere to run.

Disappointed,

Mish-ika

Kol-ka-taaa!!

2010-02-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

Just uploading some pics because no words can do justice to what I felt when I was there. :D

IIT Kharagpur, a week that was!

2010-01-30T00:00:00.001-08:00

Finally my dream of going to Kolkata came true. It wasn't anywhere close to the way I'd always imagined it to be, but I made it to the places I wanted to and that's all that matters!

Technically it was a trip to IIT Kharagpur (which had the suckiest fest ever. No accommodation, no bedding...arrgh!!) but I was lucky enough that our train got cancelled and we had to take another one from Kolkata to New Delhi.

IIT Kharagpur, selected few..

Indian railways, my love!

GM flowers Our "dorm" :X

SN Girls Hostel, IIT Kh.

Mish-ika

Movie time!

2010-01-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

I'm starting with the shoot of my fifth documentary tomorrow. And by shoot I mean I'm acting in it, not directing it. :(

It's "an intense love story", directed by students of final year M.A. Mass Communication, Jamia. Looking forward to it . :)

I've been planning on making my own movie since the beginning of this year, but somehow never got enough time. But that is just another excuse I know. Anyway, I hope I manage to direct one by the end of this semester.

**fingers crossed**

Oh and I saw "Pyaar Impossible". Horrible horrible movie. Sheer waste of money!

P.S. Dear anon stalker, I know who you are. I thought you had a life, but unfortunately you don't. I feel sorry for you.

Knock Knock!

2010-01-03T06:06:00.000-08:00

They just got over with their last class for the day, night actually. It was 2am. Funny how some institutions don't really pay attention to our body clocks. Six of them shared a room, the biggest room in the hostel. He was about to change into his pajamas when she tapped the window pane. He didn't know her, and neither did she.

But she was beautiful.

She needed some change, urgently. He was too sleepy to pay attention. He checked his pockets and gave whatever little he had. That must havebeen enough, because she left.

He turned around and saw the other five staring at him, frozen. They looked petrified, as if they'd seen a ghost.

And maybe they had.

The room was on the 7th floor.

**true story**

Mish-ika

Blessed!!

2009-12-26T23:32:00.000-08:00

I was coming back from North campus to my friends place in South on 23rd evening. We, six of us, gave 10/- to this eunuch. S/he blessed all of us individually. I don't believe in superstitions, but I know that this is considered to be very lucky. I hope it holds true for me, and the other five too.

I feel blessed, and maybe thats what matters.

Mish-ika :)

<3

2009-12-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

People try to harm it but the caravan moves on,

The caravan finds love-an eternal bond.

Love resides like a secret inside,

The two lovers promise to stay side by side.

Its something that cannot be broken,

Its unbreakable because o the words that were spoken.

The lovers love, the lovers hide,

But no one can take away from them what they have, even if they died..

One-on-One With Delhi Police, and Weird Cheesy Guys

2009-11-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life I actually complained about eve teasing and action was taken there and then.

Whole of Lakshya was travelling back from North to our college in two cars, Priyams' and Hibas'. Hiba being the slow one was far behind, so we were actually quite taken aback when she came zooming to overtake us. The race went fine till we noticed this Indica with weird cheesy guys following us. They parked just outside the petrol pump where we'd stopped to re-fuel the car, and resumed their drive right after ours. Not giving much attention to them , we continued our race. Apparently, they thought we were racing with them and they overtook us. Their indicator changed with ours on every red light from there on.

When we finally stopped outside college to grab some chhola-bhatura, they stopped too. Quite creepy. That's when I called the cops, who turned up withing 5minutes. (Impressive, isn't it??)

Well, turned out that the guys were "decent" boys from Hindu College, Delhi University, and were just having random fun. Random Fun. A car full of weird hooligan guys chasing a car full of girls is not exactly my idea of fun. We let them go after all the apologies that they made. They were too shocked by the whole incident. And quite frankly, I was too.

Men are such a menace. Education or no education, they're all the same. If not you, they'll be out there chasing some 100 other females. It's just so crazy.

Dogs. Hope they've learnt their lesson.

Messed Up Metro Ride!!

2009-11-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm now too sure about the fact that whenever I step out of my house, I'm all set to prove Murphy's Law!!!

I left from Gurgaon for college at 7.30, after spending yet another night out (2nd in the week!!) at a friend's place. I was planning to take a bus from CP to college, but ended up coming back home instead.

All was good till I reached Yamuna Bank Metro Station, where the idiotic Metro terminates. (I had already been pushed around way too much, so calling it 'good' isn't really all that appropriate. But on second thoughts, it was much better than what was going to happen next!!) So to get home, I needed to take another one. My chappal broke as soon as I got out of the first Metro.

Worse, I fell down!! Gathering all my belongings together, I rushed to the platform, with my one chappal in one hand, my bag and cell phone in the other, yellow socks in one feet, and yellow socks with black chappal in the other. Quite messed up, I know!

I stood next to the wrong side when the station came (Ok This really wasn't my fault. How the hell was I supposed to concentrate when so much was happening??). Again came the pushing bit, just that this time I was pushing everyone who came in my way. I took off my socks and kept them in my bag. (They're new, and I love them. :P). And my chappals were in my hand. I obviously had all eyes glued to me, all trying to figure out why would a girl walk barefoot on an early cold winter morning, that too at the Metro station!!

Horrible way to start the day!!

I can only it gets better, after all I have Lakshya later. :P

"....."

2009-11-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

24th October,

9.30 am

अनचाही राहों में

बस तेरी बाहों में

चले हम जा रहे

उम्मीद लिए निगाहों में

कुछ है शिकवा

थोडी हैं शिकायतें

पर अब चाह कर भी नहीं रुक सकते

चाहे कितनी हो हिदायतें

सोच कर की क्या बीत चुकी है

शायद कहीं हम ठहर जाएँ

पर फिर आगे बढ ही गए

चाहे कोई कहर ढाए

जो होना था वोह हो ही गया

क्या करें अब यूँ सर झुकाए

शायद इसी लम्हे को याद कर के

कल गम में भी हम मुस्कुराएँ

:) ??

What's the big deal about saying "SORRY"??

2009-10-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

"Sorry."

"I am sorry."

"I am sorry for you."

What is the big deal about apoogising to someone? Why do we make it such an ego hassle? OK I realise I did/said something stupid, then why does apologising for it become such a big fuss. It really isn't all that difficult. It’s just a word. It won’t make u big, or make me small. I’m allowed to make mistakes, and so are you. Why apology can’t be taken in the same harmless way is something that I fail to understand. I have so many times been coaxed into saying sorry, the recent line that was used being –“you be the bigger person and apologise.” Dude hello! I don’t want to be the bigger person. Not interested.

There are times when I do apologise even when I know I'm not wrong. But that is just to set things straight. If one word can remove so much negativity, then why not? Instead of blowing it up so much, it’s a better option to say sorry when need be. Or maybe later you’ll end up feeling ‘sorry’ for yourself.

Diwali.. Friends.. Just

2009-10-18T02:48:00.000-07:00

It's been long since I last logged in. Have been just too busy with Lakshya, and Concoction '09 lately. It's only now that I know how much goes into getting a fest together! We still have no money and it's just hope we are surviving on till now.

Anyway, Diwali was all happy as always. happy Diwali to all of you. :) Had a lot of fun. But now that the weekend is over, I am back to the same old routine -college from 8 to 8 and then crash!!

The week has been quite eventful. Got to meet some old friends I wasn't in touch with. Had a great time. Some things are just meant to be, no matter how much you try and avoid them.

Have just finished updating my other blog, so don't have any energy left for this one. Maybe next time.

Perfect Bride?? What the HELL!

2009-09-26T20:45:00.001-07:00

(cut, copied and pasted from my other blog)

I know it's slum development for this week, but this is something I just can't resist writing about. I came across this serial called "Lux Perfect Bride" on Star Plus yesterday when I was randomly surfing channels. So this is what I saw- some 5-7 young girls sweeping the floor, cooking, washing clothes, and doing all sorts of gharelu things, with a voice-over that said something like- "Itna to ladki ko aana hi chahiye. Agar khana bana aur saaf-safai nahi aati ho toh woh ek acchi bahu kaise bann sakti hai?"

What the hell? What exactly are these my-life-is-almost-gone-and-this-is-my-last-chance-to-gain-fame type aunties really looking for when it comes to choosing a daughter-in-law? Education comes way down their lists. It's almost like they are getting a maid to do all the household work, just that she should be VERY fair, and VERY good looking, and yes, their sons have a say in this too!

Just when I thought media was becoming a tad bit more responsible towards portrayal of women in ads, serials, movies, etc, there comes this superbly degrading show which burst my bubble even before it got shaped.

These are the things which should be banned. This not-so good looking aunty ji thinks only good looking girls will make nice bahus. What kind of people are these? They themselves have ugly looking sons who have nothing better to do than come on some reality show for their supposed soul-mate. Same goes for girls. I wonder what they were thinking, or if they were thinking at all! So much for fame and money!

P.S. Personally, I would want in-laws who can cook well so that I get good food when I come back home after working hard all day (that is IF I ever get married).

Metamorphosis: Capture Change!

2009-09-20T02:24:00.000-07:00

These are the pictures which I'd sent for a photography competition (topic was same as title) held yesterday in my college. Even though I didn't win, I love these pictures, and therefore am posting them.

I liked this too but (the mirror one) didn't signify any change, so I decided on the other three.

Let me know what you think of them.

The Good, the Bad (and the Inevitable End!) of Relationships :X

2009-09-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Somehow all relationships that I thought, even till the beginning of this year to be lifelong, ended in the most disgusting way. I don't know if it was my fault (I'm so sure I can't be wrong always!!) or the other person, but the fact remains that we are no longer a part of each others life.

Instance 1: I knew her for the longest time I have ever known a person. She was my 'best friend forever' type friend. We'd been there, with each other, through thick and thin, through everything. Still something went wrong, something so grave that it cannot be reversed no matter how hard I try. It just cant be back to what it was. I am still friends with her, still same on the face of it, but deep down I know I can never trust her, never ever. Its ruined, forever! :(

Instance 2: If ever there was any person who came close to me in the shortest time period possible, it was this friend from school. We were best friends for about two-three years and suddenly that came to an end too, in another disgusting but sort of expected way. I still did expect us to sort it out sooner or later, but i guess its already to late. I have learnt so much from this. One thing is for sure, I can never invest 100% in any of my relationships because I am more than sure that it will end. So well, whats the point?? *sigh*

Instance 3: The same happened with another close friend. We had issues with how we dealt with stuff on a regular basis. But that was something we always sorted out. Then suddenly he walked out of my life. no questions, no explanations. just (maybe not so) randomly. But now I know think it was sort of a good thing to happen, for reasons I'm still trying to get straight in my head. All i know is I can never be friends with him again, for the simple fact that you are no on to keep walking-in and out of my life as per your own convenience. Hello!! I might be an emotional fool, but I'm not all that dumb!

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is, after seeing all this in just year (actually from March to June only), that all relationships do come to an end sooner or later. I am no one to make such a comment about everyone, but it definitely is true for me. No matter how hard I (we??) try, it just does end. People don't remain in touch, some just get better friends, and most just generally grow apart. There is this expiry date that comes along with all my relationships, its just inevitable.

And I'm living with it now, and it's just a very convenient thing to do as of now. Regrets can come later if they have to.

:D

2009-09-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Chhu kar

Mere mann ko

kiya tune

Kya ishara

Badla yeh mausam

Laga pyaara jag saara...

Chhu kar..

Main khush hoon aaj khamakha!!

2009-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

I've not been this happy for quite a while now. There is no particular reason (maybe there is, still figuring it out though!) but its just a phase which I want to enjoy till it lasts, and write about it so that I can feel the same joy again when I read it later.

There is no justification for doing something that is wrong, because since you know it is a wrong, the justification doesn't help. The other option can be to not think about it. Right now I know I am wrong, and as she said it- "It's karma, it will all come back to you sooner or later."- I'm ready for that also. Being selfish isn't that bad a thing after all, specially when you have given the other person food for thought.

I'm enjoying this time and I refuse to get out of it for my selfish reasons. I know I'm hurting people but then I've been hurt too. (Just when I thought I was happy, I realised how cynical I have become!!)

Anyway,

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Ya iss dil mein hai koi wajah

Na jaanu main iss mod par

Ajab aisa hua hai kya

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Ki dil mein khushi ke rang hain

Aur mann mein shukriya

Ki ye samay mere sang hai!

Main khush hun aaj khamakha

Na darr na fikr hai ab mujhe

Takdeer to khud hi likhi hai

To kaun rok sakega mujhe??

What will be, will be!

2009-09-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

We all have to resort to believing in destiny at some or the other point in our lives, and that usually happens when we don't have much idea about what is happening in our lives, or maybe even why it is happening.

If it is actually in our moments of decision that our destiny is shaped, then more often than not we should be aware about what lies in store for us. This, surprisingly, doesn't happen. When anything goes wrong, we blame it on destiny. When there is no explanation for an event to occur, we blame it on destiny. When our brain stops comprehending whats happening around us, we blame it on destiny. In simple words, as soon as we think we are losing control over our lives, and someone (something!) has to take charge, we blame it on destiny!!

This blame-game just makes life easier. No questions asked, no explanations sought! It also is a really nice way to pacify oneself about their life. its not really our fault when things go downhill, "because its written". How convenient!

These are some of my favorite quotes on destiny:

No living man can send me to the shades Before my time; no man of woman born, Coward or brave, can shun his destiny.

Author: Homer

Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
Author: Wiiliam Jennings Brian

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call destiny.
Author: John Oliver Hobbes

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.
Author: John F Kennedy

No Non-Veg :(

2009-08-31T06:39:00.000-07:00

Its almost September. Exactly 3 months and 9 days left until I can have non-veg again. Actually it shouldn't be a can. I still can, but I know for a fact that I won't.

I quit non-veg almost 9months back, on my 18th birthday, for a year. I never thought it was possible to control the temptation for so bloody long, but I'm proud of the fact that I survived! I'm all the more impressed with myself because my other family members have non-veg almost everyday, for all three meals!! We all just loove chicken (any kind), well-cooked mutton (mostly the type my mother makes), not that fond of fish though.

3 more months to go. Not enough motivation left in me but I know I will survive. I wish I had asked for something in return, like a mannat or something. Would have definitely been a great motivation. Nevertheless, I will survive!

Maybe the picture will make me feel better about not eating chicken!

Waiting!!

My first, and my Last!

2009-08-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am still not able to believe that we actually bribed a policeman today. When it comes to things like these, I'm the one who'll probably stand against the world and argue about not engaging in any activity that is not correct, no matter what the circumstances are!!

We were pulled over by the cops for using mobile phone while driving. Not ready to spare 1000/- bucks for the challan, we ended up bribing him with Rs.400. I still can't believe I was party to the whole thing.

I swear this was my first, and my last, no matter what..! :(

Thank You! <3

2009-08-25T06:57:00.001-07:00

For some reason i couldn't finish my village traveller series. Its been long since i last blogged. Nothing inspired me enough to blog about it, or maybe there were just too many things happening for me to write about them.

I've had quite an eventful week. Things I never expected happened, people that I never expected would call did, it all feels so surreal. But I'm not complaining. Its just a phase, and I know it will pass. I just wanted to thank Vidu and Anirudh for being there when I needed them. I know you guys will never read this,but still wanted to let others know that you mean a lot to me.

And Lakshya!! I love you. What would I ever do without you??

And since its his birthday and we aren't really in terms anymore, happy birthday. Have a great day. Everything has an expiry date, and so did our friendship. Hard luck! :)

Diary of A Village Traveller: Day4

2009-08-15T03:50:00.000-07:00

August4:

Visit to the school: My day started with a visit to the village school. Run bu the RSS, the school has a strength on 150 children, and since the fees is a handsome Rs.100, most of them do turn up. I attended the vandana (morning prayer) and then took

some interviews, all with the aim of using this data for my short film.

Aalta: Since the next day was both the Griha Pravesh and Rakhi, my father had sent for someone around noon to put aalta on my mothers feet. Excited about the whole deal, I got some put on my feet too. The colour still hasn't gone from my nails, to cover which I've put green nail paint, since only that was available. But I still loved it. That was my little effort to reduce the manliness my feet otherwise possess.

Swings: There is not much I can say about this. The picture will

explain better. The kids loved it. We spent so much of our evening time playing here. The fact that I almost fell is something I cannot miss. The slab turned vertical and I lost all control. And everyone thought that was funny! Meanos!!! Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don't know) I don't have a picture of that. But I very vividly remember what that felt like..!

Choodiwaali and mehendi: Ma needed some special bangles for the Pooja the next day. A choodiwaali had been summoned for that reason. And since I love mehendi, I

couldn't resist the cones that she was incidentally carrying. I love putting mehendi. I think it has the second-best (after petrol) smell in the world! I just keep looking for excuses to colour my hands, and since I was away for home and the next day was rakhi, there was no need to look for one this time.

Chumki had gone with the kids to get

guavas plucked.

They were red, and trust me they were the most delicious ones I have ever had. Really nice. We even managed to get a bag full for Delhi. Unfortunately, because of the heat, they over-riped. :(

Thats mostly how I spent my day, getting fascinated by things!

Goodnight :)

Diary of A Village Traveller: Day3

2009-08-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

August 3:

Bloody dogs:First nights almost peaceful sleep (too many mosquitoes!!!) was interrupted by stupid wild dogs who started barking so very loudly. Some had entered the house, which was left open at night. (That's how people in villages sleep.) To top it all, I realised i was sleeping alone and I had no idea where to go, so i just got up and , after so many many years, i was actually calling out for my mother like a small kid in desperate need. I finally went back to sleep in the other room, with my father!

Bilaasi Bahu: The next morning was quite muggy, thanks to the drizzling that went on the whole night. Fortunately the air was only humid and not hot.

Bilaasi bahu (bahu=daughter in-law) is our cook. That's how everone knows her. That's her identity and that has actually become her name. So finding out what really her name was was quite a task. This is what the conversation between Ma and her went like, following the discussion about finding out 'her' name:

Ma: Whats your name.

BB: Why its Bilaasi bahu.

Ma: No but what is your (with emphasis) name.

BB: (laughing) ya THAT is my name.

Ma: No but that is your husbands name.

BB: You can call me Selampur waali.

Ma:But that is where you belong. I dont want your village's name. What is yours.

BB:You can call me Vinay's mother (Vinay ke maai).

Ma: But that's again your son's name.

BB: (highly amused) Them you can call me Mohan's mother (Mohan ke maai).

Ma: OK what was your name before you got married?

BB: OK like that. Rekha. But how does it matter? no one knows it. They all call me Bilaasi bahu, always.

So much for a name! Uff!!!!

The rest of the day was spent in playing football with the kids and feeding the goat (to which some people actually said something like "..feeding her right now, and then you will feed on her in another two months.."!!).

Another comparatively uneventful day, except the Bilaasi bahu incident. What is with having your identity that is completely dependent on someone else (it is not even yours then)!! I think an analogy can be drawn in the urban scenario to adoption of our husbands surnames after getting married. That also doesn't make sense to me!

Goodnight

Diary of A Village Traveller: Day2

2009-08-08T23:43:00.000-07:00

August 2, Flooded Roads, Puncture, Overcrowded Train, Home Sweet Home!

The train was 3 hours late. We reached Muzaffarpur at around 12noon. The air was very humid, not all that warm though. Papa came to pick us up. Dumri (my village) was 3 hours drive from here. Exhausted by the train journey, but equally excited to see our village after so long, we hit the roads again. The first shock came to us in the form of flooded roads.

This was near Tilaktajpur, Bihar.The water was ankle deep, with no trace of the land on either sides. The kaccha houses were half drowned, and many families displaced. Tents had been planted on the roads as temporary homes for those affected by the mini-flood. Thanks to the Nitish Kumar government, flood relief units has already started operating and the situation was much under control!!

The next big thing was this amazingly overcrowded train. I am at a complete loss of words when I start describing it. It was bursting, true to the very core of the word. The video is a must watch to know what I am talking about.

After a brief halt (because of a tyre puncture :I) at Sitamarhi, which is the district under which my village comes, we finally reached home at around 4 in the evening. The place was so welcoming it almost felt like I was never going back. After a brief introduction with all the housekeepers and their kids, I started exploring the house. It was nothing like the previous one, which is still there, in parts, and is almost 100years old, but the very fact that it was built almost on the same foundation was satisfactory enough.

That's it for the day.

Goodnight :)

Diary of A Village Traveller: Day1

2009-08-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

August 1, The Train Journey:

We boarded the train to Muzaffarpur at 3pm. The train journey was long, 19 hours, but I dint mind it at all. I love trains. It's the only place where I can sleep all the time, and no one can say a thing. I was carrying my copy (actually Priyam's, but mine as of now) of "Sea of Poppies" and was hell bent on finishing it before coming back (because I knew I wouldn't get time once i was back).

The train journey was quite uneventful, the usual, and then the long sleep!

A passing thought

2009-07-23T05:54:00.000-07:00

the sun

warm

it whispers something

unaware i am

not notice

the shade

tempting

some hint

i ignore

move on

i laugh

i live

i love, i think

you-me-i, us

never

amen

Why!!

2009-07-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

"The moment you think of giving up, think of the reason you held so long, and that will give u the reason to survive longer."

Why is it that relationships, that we nurture with so much love and affection, suddenly seem alien to us when even a minor thing goes wrong? We invest loads the trust, love and understanding into each of our relationships but still there are times when the thought of giving up on them is so strong that it seems almost tangible. Agreed that there are times when we are betrayed, when are faith in someone is completely shaken, and when the other person does nothing to fulfill our expectations, but is it so hard to forgive them and move on in life? Instead, we hold on our grudge and prepare to give it all back to them, with interest.

P.S. I wrote this last year and I don't remember exactly why. But I still am intrigued by the same thoughts. Why?

18 July!

2009-07-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

18 July 2006: The best decision for my life was taken by the worst person I have ever known.

I feel so stupid when I think about what happened 3years ago, and how much it meant to me at that point in time. I was sure I would never get over it, but I did. Eventually. Time does heal everything, at least most of the things that are ugly memories and scar your mind to such an extent that you have no option but to not think about it at all (but even with that in mind, you do end up thinking about it!).

Thanks for being such a horrible person, it made flushing you out of my life so easy. And thanks for taking that decision. If not for that, I would have probably suffocated to death!

Garaj Baras!

2009-07-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

I just love rains! They bring out the retard kid in me. I am always a happier person after I've enjoyed my rain!

Rain rain, Come again!

Just!

2009-07-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

Well I want to blog, but there is nothing concrete that I want to write about. So I think I will just pen down the recent bittersweet developements since last week!

Here I go!

1. I moved out of my house after ONE WHOLE WEEK! That was the longest I stayed at home since last year and only I know how bad it was. (Ya well being grounded is never fun, but this one was terrible-one week!!)

But then I can always count on Lakshya to get me out of trouble! We had ECA auditions. They were great too!

2. I had a fight with one of my closest friends (This is the nth time I'm using this sentence in the past month-it's 8th today, by the way- each time for a different 'close friend'!). OK so this wasn't really a fight, just some stupid misunderstanding, which I haven't figured out correctly yet! (Yea! That's the bitter of the bittersweet.)

3. Unexpected outings are always more fun than planned ones. Met a couple of friends few days back, the auto ride being the best part about it.

4. Almost the whole of Lakshya went to Subway for lunch (at 4pm!) yesterday!. I love Subway, and I love Lakshya even more, so this definitely needed a mention.

5. Another 'close friend' of mine (Hahahhahha!!) cleared the mess that had accumulated between us in the recent past. I might meet him tomorrow. :)

6. Ma isn't mad at me anymore (ignorance is bliss), and about Chumki, I don't really want to comment (thoroughly 'bitter').

I think that's about it I guess. Not really an eventful week, but still there are always things that are worth mentioning. :D

Rain: Part II

2009-06-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well this time it was a lot more eventful, therefore a longer post.

Morning - 5.30:

Nothing worth mentioning happened.

5.30 - 6.16:

B had just left. I was stuck in GK 1 with 12kg of 'stuff'. My cell phone had conked off long time ago (the battery has been screwing up a lot these days, doesn't even last a day!). And I was waiting for A, who seemed to be coming from the other part of the world (Bugger wasn't taking any calls from B's number while she was with me. So technically even if he was in some other part of the world, there was no way I would have known!!). I' d decided to wait till 7 and then make a move. But obviously He had other plans altogether.

The next few minutes were as if they had been taken out straight from some novel, or some cheesy Hindi movie. Full on bollywood style aandhi-toofan, lonely girl with her 'stuff' waiting for help!

Finally at around 6ish A came. He was sort of "disoriented about the ways", and that had taken him that long. OK, no questions asked, no explanations sought.

6.16 - 7ish:

We were randomly walking in the market, all soaked (me:full, A:li'l bit). Had bhel puri (although A wanted to have "save" puri, but realised it a bit too late.), sat for sometime, and finally decided to leave for home.

7ish - 7.30:

We died looking for an auto. In the beginning it was all fun but not so for long! Somehow no auto would be ready to go to Mayur Vihar. (I don't live in some other bloody city! Just because it's "yamuna paar" doesn't mean you buggers can refuse!). So we decided to take an auto till Nehru Place and then a 492 from there.

Meanwhile the following developments had taken place:

1. Both my chappals had broken!

2. My jeans were falling, no belt. :(

3. My shoulder was already quite screwed, the 6kg 'stuff' didn't make it better!

4. I was COLD!

7.30 - 7.50:

Got a bus without any hassle. The only problem was that it was slower than a bullock cart, thanks to Delhi traffic and rains! It somehow dragged till the Lajpat turn and finally started moving! Not really bothered about the eventualities, we were busy talking shit, then A playing 'Asphalt', another round of non-sense talks, etc; quite amusing for others in the bus. They obviously thought we were two retards, just escaped from somewhere! (I definitely looked like one, and A was with me, so...).

And obviously 492 wasn't really on my side, so instead of taking Sarai Kale khan, we took DND. And that meant that I would have to go to Noida now, and then figure out an auto from there!

7.50 - 8.50:

I was supposed to get off at the first stop after DND, that being Rajnigandha, which obviously didn't happen. According to A, Sab mall was the best place to get down at, which, according to me, was in the other direction! And yes it was in the other direction. So we got off somewhere in Sec-20! No auto was ready to go to MV (!!!!!!). So we decided to take a rick till 18 and then an auto. I was pissed, thoroughly! (not with anything else but that stupid 492).

9ish - 9.30:

I got into the auto, A left. The auto didn't move! Apparently the other auto was parked in a such a way that mine couldn't get out. 10mins, finally moving. Too much traffic, so we took the 16A route. The auto stalls at the16A red light. 15mins (by this time I've already gotten in and out of the auto 5-6 times to get another one, obviously in vain). Somehow made a move!

9.30 - 11.00:

Ma and Chumki obviously knew what had happened. They had managed to call up both A and B, and I had no clue about it. I knew it was stupid to even try to cover up, so I just gave in. Pretty screwed up scene, but.. "shit happens!"..

The last part compensated for the whole day, law of averages governs my life after all! So I knew it was coming since long back, and it did set some very important things straight for me, so I'm not even complaining:

1. I told them about the camera thing, in each and every detail possible (I haven't blogged about it but you will know it if you know me). That means I will be rich . :D

2. I dumped P. :D :D :D

A long, though thoroughly satisfying day! Phew!

P.S. A, B and P are not random variables! Friends with identities not disclosed.

Rain: Part I

2009-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

It finally rained today! Such a relief.

Monsoons have finally hit Delhi too, or so I want to presume after a li'l bit of rain.

Astrology.com Specials Part II

2009-06-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how insensitive this site is. I'm sure it's got some personal issues with me! (Wasn't it obvious the last time they mailed me, that they had to rub it in again!)

This is what they came up with today:

Subject: Is It Really Over?

Dear Mishika,

Can't believe it's over? Can't stop thinking about all the good times you shared? Do you find yourself wondering if he's gone for good, or if he'll see the light and return? You're not alone! Devastating heartbreak can happen to anyone, but there is someone out there who can give you the answers you need. A psychic can help you get inside his mind -- so that you can win back his heart! New customers, choose your special offer: Get the first 3 minutes free, or enjoy 10 minutes for only $1.99!

All I want to know is: why me!!!!!

Random..

2009-06-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

"I don't know why love starts or why it ends, but it only seems real when it's in a mess." -Head Over Heels.

"How liberating it is to love someone so much, and not be able to love anyone else, at all..

And not care whether that someone loves you, or not, or someone else, or have the potential to love anyone at all.." -Mishika

बस यूँ ही..Bass yun hi..

2009-06-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

इंतेज़ार की आड़ में उम्मीद लगाएँ बैठें हैं,

कब से उस एक पल की आस लगाए बैठें हैं,

कभी ना कभी तो आएगा वो दिन,

अन्दर से एक आवाज़ दस्तक देती है,

बस यूँ ही..

कुछ देर से ही सही पर कुछ कर गुज़र जाएँगे,

कुछ देर से ही सही पर कभी तो भुला पाएँगे,

सोच कर कुछ ऐसा लबों पर मुस्कान आती है,

बंद होटों से जो नज़रों में समा जाती है,

बस यूँ ही...

कभी तो दिल से दिमाग जीत जाएगा,

सफ़र कभी तो अपनी गति बढेगा,

एक न एक दिन ऐसा भी आयेगा,

सोच के ऐसा ये दिल ललचाता है,

बस यूँ ही...

नज़रें कभी तो थक कर दम तोडेंगी,

उम्मीद कभी तो इंतज़ार का दामन छोडेगी,

कभी तो रुकेगा ख्वाइशों का कारवां,

कभी तो हम भी हंस सकेंगे खुद पर,

बस यूँ ही...

(For those who have trouble reading hindi)

Intezaar ki aad mein umeed lagaye baithe hain,

Kab se uss ek pal ki aas lagaye baithe hain,

Kabhi na kabhi to ayega woh din,

Andar se ek awaaz dastak deti hai,

Bass yun hi...

Kuch der se hi sahi par kuch kar guzar jaenge,

Kuch der se hi sahi par kabhi to bhula paenge,

Soch kar kuch aisa labon par muskaan aati hai,

Band hoton se jo nazron mein sama jaati hai,

Bass yun hi...

Kabhi toh dil se dimag jeet jaega,

Safar kabhi toh apni gati badhaega,

Ek na ek din aisa bhi ayega,

Soch ke aisa yeh dil lalchata hai,

Bass yun hi...

Nazarein kabhi toh thak kar dum todengi,

Umeed kabhi toh intezaar ka daaman chhodegi,

Kabhi to rukega khwaashion ka karawaan

Kabhi toh hum bhi hans sakenge khud par,

Bass yun hi...

2009-06-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Just randomly at 1am last night, had nothing better to do (that's obviously a lie. I could have read, slept, anything but THIS!!)

Inspired from the poem (otherwise fictitious) that Julia Stiles reads in the end for Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You".

{ I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.}

This is what my version is like:

I hate you for the fact that you know me so well,

I hate to think of the moment for you when I fell.

I hate to cry whenever I think of you,

I hate that with each other, we no longer have anything to do.

I hate the paths that I now have to travel alone,

I hate to admit that from my life you're gone.

I hate everything that reminds me of you,

I hate the fact that I don't really hate them too.

I hate to see how you just don't care,

I hate to know there is nothing we anymore share.

I hate to dream all day (and night) about you,

I hate the fact that you still just see through.

I hate how you threw me out of you life,

I hate the fact, that without you it's so hard to survive.

I hate to come up with excuses so that we can meet,

I hate that without you, I feel so incomplete.

I hate to be always giving you a thought,

I hate it so much because you still mean hell a lot.

I hate it when out of the blue I get your text,

I hate it when I spend hours thinking-what next?

I hate the fact that I can hate you never,

Because loving you once, now means loving you forever!!

P.S.: No (questioning) comments, please!

Cheero again..I love!

2009-06-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

He has grown up. Almost 5months now. I love him more than ever. His name is more significant than anyone could ever imagine.

With all my love,

To Cheero!!

Ladhkhadaaye Kadam!!

2009-06-11T05:29:00.000-07:00

I love dancing, even though I just can't. I try all the time. Its worse than my singing (if you know me well enough then you would know why!). Most people are usually amazed at my dancing "skills", it's hard to believe how bad I am!!

This one's choreographed by me, and I obviously love it. If you think you can't dance, you should definitely watch this. You'll feel loads better and so much more confident. Enjoy!!

P.S. The one in green is Nupur. She reinforces my madness! Love <3

June14: One more. Just found it yday. I love this too. Solo performance. :)

Astrology.com Specials

2009-06-09T03:41:00.000-07:00

Astrology sites definitely have a thing for me. I keep getting random mails everyday from so many of these sites. And there are times when they make sense, make sense in such an amusing way that it is hard to believe.

Like this site did yesterday. I usually just delete the mail straightaway but this obviously grabbed my attention. This is what it goes like:

Subject: Is It Time to Move On?? (I could have slapped this mail if it was possible!!)

Dear Mishika,

Still clinging to a relationship that's over? Sometimes it seems you can't let go of someone, no matter how hard you try. Find out what he's really thinking -- and if you should wait for him or move on -- with a free psychic love reading. New customers, enjoy your special offer: Get the first 10 minutes of your call free!

Buggers I tell you!

Hey! I'm adopted!

2009-06-08T05:38:00.000-07:00

Chumki's favorite pass time is to irritate me. This is something she aces. No matter how hard I try, I can't ignore her for long (You'll know exactly why if you know either of us well). And she is very creative when it comes to ways of irritating me.

So this time she came up with this whole story of how and why I was adopted (No I haven't been adopted. I am my parents child, but Chumki has a different story altogether!) This is what it goes like (explanation being given to R, in front of Ma):

"I am the first child, so obviously I was extremely pampered. Ma and Papa gave me so much that I got bored of everything (which includes all my toys, friends, books, etc etc). So they obviously wanted to get something that could entertain me for sometime at least. That's when they got her (i.e. Mishika) so that I wouldn't get bored. But later they got attached and adopted her."

Amusing!!

P.S. I have heard so many of these "how-and-why-I-was-adopted" stories that I don't even believe them anymore (initially I did :p).

Plus I resemble my family members way too much to buy that I am adopted.

Hard luck Chumki!!

Jama Masjid

2009-06-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

Jama Masjid is the principal mosque of Old Delhi in India. It was built by the Mughal emperor Shahjahan and it is the largest and best-known mosque in India. It is located on central street of Old Delhi, Chandni Chowk.

I love this place for reasons that are not so obvious. Have some bitter-sweet memories related to this place (and Daryaganj book bazaar and Karims)..

I went there some time back, just to get some thoughts sorted!

Brida: Paulo Coelho!!

2009-06-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

I just liked these lines/quotes/ideas/(whatever) a lot!!

We study what we can see, but what we see is not always what exists.
As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.
The night is just a part of the day.
Miracles can't be explained, but they exist for those who believe in them.
What is outside is harder to change than what is inside.
Judging oneself to be inferior to others is one of the worst forms of pride you can know, because it is the most destructive way of being different.
It isn't explanations that carry us forward, it is our desire to go on.
People get used to their own mistakes, and it's not long before they start taking them as virtues.
This far, and no farther!
They had confessed their love to each other and now, they were embarrassed to look each other in the eye.
Love is no respecter of reasons.
You only live twice- once when you are born, and once when you look death in the face.

My 25 things!!

2009-05-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

OK I haven't been tagged by anyone. I was randomly reading blogs and came across this post over here. You must go through this one. Quite amusing, in my opinion.

But I'll try tagging 25 people, so that they can continue this randomness!!

So here it is - My 25!

1. It is almost mandatory for me to end texts with 2 punctuation marks, and mails or chats with 3. They please my eyes only that way. (And God should be spelt as God, and never god..!)

2. I am the most abstract and random person I have ever come across. I've have done things I can't imagine any sane person doing!

3. Relationships are supposed to last a lifetime, that is what the ideal me thinks. (But they never do- that is something the practical me knows.)

4. I still write a diary, even though most people around me think it's for 12-13year olds, who have so much to hide!

5. I am terrible at taking compliments. I usually just pass a stupid (and sort of spastic) smile, or say something so stupid that it ruins everything!

6. I crave for white radish. I can't live without it. (I've gotten up in the middle of the night desperate for a bite!)

7. I love my sister the most. There is no-one who I adore more than her. She might not be perfect, but she as close as one can get to perfection (or so I believe!).

8. Falling out of love was always the most difficult task I had ever faced. Now it is falling in 'it' that freaks me out.

9. I love Maths, and I hate the fact that I had to drop it after 11th. But I loved Bio equally!

10. Letters to God do get delivered, and prayers do get answered- I believe so. Miracles can't be explained, but exist for people like me, who believe in them.

11. I still believe that someday my Prince Charming will come and sway me away! I like to live in a fantasy world!

12. I am very blunt, because of which I've often landed in trouble, but then there are some lessons I just refuse to learn. :)

13. I love talking. I can go non-stop for hours together, even when the other person isn't interested. I can talk to myself, endlessly!

14. I keep having crushes, every second day. I am capable of liking many people at the same time. :) (OK I am not as pathetic as that is making me sound!)

15. The most hideous of boys have the pleasure of being labeled cute by me. I have a thing for ugly people.

16. "From now on, you are the best thing that can happen to an ugly guy." This is what one of my friends told me after I stopped talking to my ex. I believe it totally!

17. Breaking my trust is the worst thing you can do to me. And there is absolutely no explanation you can give me to justify it.

18. I demand only three things (on the face of it that is) - Respect (Nothing doing till I get this one.), A little bit of Understanding (although most of the times one might now get what I'm up to, but you can pretend once in a while.), and Trust (Try fooling around with this one and we'll be done for life.)

19. I love drawing. I don't draw all that well, but it's a great stress buster for me. I have some of them posted here.

20. I'm in love with Cheero. He is definitely the most adorable thing I've ever come across.

21. I want an arranged marriage. After screwing up twice, I can't take another risk. And Ma's choice will always be better than mine (which sucks. So technically anything would be better than that).

22. I want my sister to get married soon. I would love to be the brides' sister :)

23. I have started writing a book at least 4 times. I'm still in the process. Might have to re-start again.

24. I can't stand mushy and sweet boys. I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can if one of those approaches me. They FREAK me out!!

25. I have been in a perfect relationship, so I know what it is like. And therefore now it is really hard for me settle down with anything that is below that. :(

OK so I tag Ish, Anty, Andy, Abhinav, Purnima, Srishti, Tanya and Ladha as of now.

Moving On!!

2009-05-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

I took a decision yesterday,
I'm not too sure how right, or how wrong,
All I know is that I'm the middle of this ocean, whose shore is not in my vicinity,
Just hoping that the tides, would sway me along.

I knew it would be hard,
But it's harder than I thought.
Becuase you still remain in my memory,
A memory that I thought I long back forgot.

You are my past, and this is my present,
This is a fact, to terms with which I have to come.
But like every other failed attempt to move away from you,
This might also be easier said than done!

I'll give in my everything to make this work,
I want to give in my heart and soul.
But feelings for you that have been supressed for long,
Will undoubtedly be very difficult to control!

Chumki and I, Again

2009-05-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

Well..Chumki read my last post and called me up to say..
"Bewakoof!! Tum pagal ho. Fishy sach mein humko boli thi. Par wo boli thi ki kissi ko nai batana. She is my friend."
("Stupid!! You are mad. Fishy actually spoke to me, but she told me not to tell anyone. She is my friend.")
I can't be blamed for being the way I am, for I live with such amazingly, insanely cute and crazy people.

Chumki and I :D

2009-05-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

A very BIZARRE conversation, early in the morning...

Me: What happened?

Chumki: Too many mosquitoes.

Me: I can't see any. You're behaving in a really weird way chumkoo...Retard!!

Chumki: Nahi. Hain naa! Fishy spoke to me yesterday?

Me: Who fishy?

Chumki: Aquarium wali. She told me she will eat all the mosquitoes, if Ma lets her out.

Me: Really? And what exactly did you tell her?

Chumki: That I can't let her out because Ma will not like it. She won't like it. And she complained about Ma not feeding her on time. So I told her that I will talk to her about it.

Me: Goodnight Chumki...You need sleep!!

P.S. Chumki is my elder sister. This is what happened to her when my computer wasn't functioning for one whole day. But now it's fine, so I hope she is fine too by the time I reach home.

By the way she is 23, turning 24 this July. :)

P.P.S. I love you Chumki...You're the sole cause of me being retard!

Getting it out!

2009-05-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

I've always had issues venting out my frustration (and most other emotions), because more often than not, I target it on the person who is the cause. However, with time I have realised that this doesn't really help, so I've switched to taking it out through drawings and writing (which goes straight into my diary. Thanks Aman, for gifting it to me!). It makes me feel wat lighter than any of those shouts or fights.

These are just some of my favorites :)

Dear Shoes

2009-05-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

Dear shoes,

I was dreaming about you all night. I know it's absurd, and writing about it is even weirder! Don't remember the last time I saw you, where was it-under my bed? in the balcony? or was Ma wearing you? Uff!! Forget it...

I promise I shall look for you as soon as I get time. I have hardly touched you since you have come. Not that you're bad, but I just love the old ones better. No, I have nothing against you. You are not even ugly or stupid looking, just that you ain't those. Sorry!!

So stop haunting me in my dreams now. I will 'rescue' you soon from wherever you are. Till then, keep praying, but not so much that I have to kick you out of my otherwise peaceful sleep.

NOTE: No, I am not insane or retard (or any such thing), just quite random. :)

My Diary :) :) :)

2009-05-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

It's good to see you after such a long time,

What memories you bring back,

It's hard to define.

A part of me lies secretly in you.

A part of me, which the world otherwise just sees through.

It's not just my state of mind,

It's you that gets these words out.

It's you that relaxes, calms my mind,

more than it could have been,

by shedding silent tears, or a loud shout.

I love you more each day,

Today more than yesterday,

And today, less than tomorrow.

Love

Tutul

P.S. For my diary, which I had abandoned for some time because of some stupid reasons.

It's so good to have you back. :)

P.P.S. Thanks Aman, for gifting it to me.

बस यूँ ही !!!

2009-04-23T05:30:00.001-07:00

हिंदी में लिखने का मुझे हमेशा से ही काफी शौक था पर कई सालों से कोई मौका नहीं मिला था. आज भी जब मैं हिंदी में लिखती हूँ तो मुझे अन्यन्त ख़ुशी मिलती है. इसकी एक वजह ये भी हो सकती है कि मेरा हिंदी का लेख देखने में अन्ग्रेजी से काफी बेहतर है, और समझने में भी आसान.

लक्ष्य के लिए जब हमने स्क्रिप्ट (इसे हिंदी में क्या बोलते हैं यह मुझे शब्दकोष में देखना पड़ेगा) लिखनी शुरू की तो मुझे फिर एक मौका मिला हिंदी में लिखने का. भले ही ऐसे मौके मुझे ज्यादा नहीं मिलते, पर जब भी मिलते हैं, मैं इनका पूरा-पूरा फायदा उठती हूँ. हिंदी में लिखना एक कला है और मैं इस बात से काफी खुश हूँ की मुझमे भी यह मौजूद है, भले ही कम मात्रा में.

आई लिप द्वारा लिखे गए इस छंद को लिखकर मुझे काफी सुकून मिला.

मिशिका

Some of My Favorite Quotes ( Though Already Quoted :p)

2009-04-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Mostly taken from books, songs and movies.

I wish I could have attributed, but unfortunately didn't have that much sense then.

Have done so wherever I could.

Paulo Coelho

"Everything that had to happen did, and nothing happened."

"The only way to take a right decision is to be aware of what the wrong ones are.."

"How can I be substantial enough without casting a shadow? I must have a dark side too!"

"The only things you can control is your own choices." - Some movie

"Failure is nothing but early attempts to success." -The Love Guru

Salman Rushdie: The Moor's Last Sigh

"Defeated love is still a treasure, and those who choose lovelessness have won no victory at all."

"By sinking to your adversaries level, you lose the high ground."

"Civilisation is the sleight of hand that conceals our nature from ourselves."

"What matters more-love or truth?"

"I now know better than to assume permanence of relationships."

"If you are all alone, then we are all together in that too." -P.S. I Love You

"You got to do what feels right, till the time you are ready to face the consequences."

"Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present." -From a mail my brother forwarded.

"हम अभी से क्या बताएं क्या हमारे दिल में है."

"जीने के लिए, सोचा ही नहीं, दर्द सँभालने होंगे.

मुस्कुराए तो, मुस्कुराने के, क़र्ज़ उतारने होंगे." -Masoom

"The good thing about destiny is that it doesn't always come true."

"Nothing is completely wrong. Even a stopped clock shows the correct time twice a day.."

"Maybe there is more truth in how you feel than what actually happens." -The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants

"What you do speaks so loudly that i cannt hear what you say."

100 truths

2009-03-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Yes I have copied this from face book, just for the simple reason that I don't understand why I would want to tag others in something that is totally about me (and why they would be interested in being tagged either).

LAST:

1. Last beverage = nimbu paani (counts?)
2. Last phone call = aanchal ghai ($%&$)

3. Last text message= anirudh
4. Last song you listened =well respected man
5. Last time you cried = saturday (21st)
HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice = not yet, might just in sometime
7. Been cheated on =ya, emotionally
8. Kissed someone & regretted it = yes
9. Lost someone special = lots of them
10. Been Depressed = a lot
11. Been drunk and threw up = just once

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12.black/brown (can't decide)
13. pink
14. red

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)

15. Made new friends = plenty
16. Fallen out of love = ya. finally
17. Laughed until you cried = yes
18. Met someone who changed you =met someone long time back, changed now because of that. does that count?
19. Found out who your true friends were = that i never will
20. Found out someone was talking about you = oh ya.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list = not this year
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life=60%;there are so many juniors
23. How many kids do you want to have = 2
24. Do you have any pets = no :(
25. Do you want to change your name = never
26. What did you do for your last birthday = went to IHC for a performance, won 15,000/-
27. What time did you wake up today =9.58 (a text woke me up)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = sleeping, I'm never up till that long
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for= daawat-e-khaan
30. Last time you saw your Mother = 2hrs back
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? =one is too less
32. What are you listening to right now = nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom =ya, just that i don't call him that
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = this thing
35. Most visited web page =gmail.com
36. Whats your real name =Mishika
37. Nicknames = tutul, mishy, mishi, mishu, mishti, tul
38. Relationship Status = single
39. Zodiac sign = Sagittarius
40. Male or female or transgendered= female
41. Primary school = foundation
42. High School =DPS NOIDA
43. College =Kamala Nehru
44. Hair color = deep brown
45. Long or short = short
46: Height = 5'3"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = well, on three people ;)
48: What do you like about yourself? = quite a lot
49. Piercings =nose:1, ears:4 (3+1)
50. Tattoos = nahi
51. Righty or lefty = righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery = not had one
53. First piercing = ears
54. First best friend = kanika
55. First vacation =must have been patna or ranchi
56. First crush = kabir

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = nothing
61. I'm about to call =kanika
62. Listening to = nothing
63. Waiting 4 = momos

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = yes
65. Get married? = not sure
66. Careers in mind? = plenty

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes = lips
68. Hugs or kisses = hugs
69. Shorter or taller = tall
71. Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = stomach
73. Sensitive or loud = both
74. Hook-up or relationship = neither
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = both

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger= don't remember
77. Drank hard liquor = yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts =no
79. Sex on first date = no
80. Broken someones heart = yes
81. Had your own heart broken = always
82. Been arrested = not yet
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died = yes
85. Liked a friend that is a girl? = not yet

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = not now
87. Miracles =yes
88. Love at first sight = no
89. Heaven = no
90. Santa Clause =no
91. Kiss on the first date = ...
92. Angels = no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? =there are three, is that allowed?
94. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? = not yet
95. Did you sing today? = lo...yes
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?=i won't
98. If you could pick a day from any years passed by and relive it, what would it be=2007 new years eve
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = terribly afraid, it takes ages to fall out of it
100. Posting this as 100 truths? =ahh...dumb!

THEORIZING LIFE:Reality v/s Illusion

2009-03-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

After pondering over this for a really long time, I have finally come to the conclusion that life does exist in two parallel forms: ‘reality’ and ‘illusion’.

Reality is what we are forced to live in, just because it is said to be ‘normal’ and ‘real’, although few realize that the concept of ‘reality’ and ‘real’ is also quite relative (like every other thing, in my opinion). My reality will always be different from yours, and yours will be different from another third person's. But the only thing that is common between all our realities is that it never can make us truly ‘happy’ (another concept that involves relativity). What makes me happy today, might not tomorrow, and vice-versa. And by always being close to ‘reality’, there will always be something that bothers us. I certainly, totally, completely, fully (and allother "ly-s" to emphasize my point) believe that it is impossible to have a picture perfect ‘reality’ and be happy with it. You can be content, compromise and adjust, but then again, that does reduce your happiness quotient (if that exists) to a large degree.

On the other hand, illusion (Aah! How much I love the word at this point in my life!!) is just being away from reality. It’s a far-faraway land where everything is perfect (because it is an illusion). And to achieve complete happiness, you need to believe, and indulge, in this world of Illusion. It’s easy to get into, but really difficult to come out of. Happiness is addictive, even if it is fake, un’real’ and 'created'. Once you are there, experiencing the ultimate form of happiness, you just want to be there forever, which is quite understandable and hence justifiable too.

But the question here is- how long can you ignore reality and live in this world of illusion? Well, very honestly, forever. It’s a personal choice to opt for an alternate reality and live with it, and no one has as much control of your life as you do (and if they do, it’s time I share with you some wisdom from past experiences), and therefore, can’t really get you out of it. Situations and circumstances are two other amazingly glorified words which can drag you out of your space. But wasn’t it the situations that provoked you to get into this in the first place??

So after giving it a lot of thought, I choose to live in illusion and remain happy for the rest of my life (that actually means till the time I survive here).

One last thing: You can either live reality and be sad, or live in a world of illusion and be happy J.

DISCLAIMER: Whatever I have theorized is simply out of convenience. It might be childish, foolish or baseless (call it whatever you may want to) but it does make life so much simpler and worthwhile.

NOTE: thanks ish, for editing :)

Cheero- my love!! <3

2009-03-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

I got back from Pune last 13th and was welcomed with this cute little thing. This chhotu puggy was 40 days old when i met him (now 50) and is just the size of a full grown rat. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. Shivam (his owner) has been very kind to me regarding my new found love. He drops him everyday at my place for sometime while he can play downstairs. Puggy was unwell a few days back. he had fever but thankfully he is doing fine now. :)

I've named him Cheero although Shivam refuses to call him that. He is still trying up to come up with a name for him.

35 Message Code

2009-01-18T04:53:00.000-08:00

It was colder than always this winter. The window of this particular bogie refused to stay shut for long. The cold, chilly wind managed to make its way through bundles of layers of cloth, beneath which lay two tiny little beings, very new to this world, in their mother’s trembling hands.

They were just about a week old, and their mother, probably sixteen. Her body had not yet recovered from childbirth, something that her body wasn’t yet developed for. Her breasts were dry, with hardly any milk left in them, sagging like just two pieces of flesh, attached detachedly to her fragile body. She could do little about them. “It is my karma”, thought she, for this was the torture she had to undergo for giving birth to two girls-not one but two! Without enough food it was impossible to lactate, to feed those tiny mouths-shivering with the cold that had by now entered their bones- which clung to her, for warmth, for security, and for food.

The psychological satisfaction, by clinging on to a piece of flesh each, was enough for the tiny beings to survive. Survive? This is when it happened. That very moment, the suckling stopped, a mouth withdrew, and the body lay motionlessly in her hand. She froze, didn’t dare to move. “What if?”, “Is it…?” She realized what had happened. One of the girls was dead.

Curses were fired from all directions; they seemed never ending.

“How much time does it take for a dead body to start rotting?”

“Can we just get rid of it as soon as possible, maybe flush it down?”

“We will throw it when we cross Ganga maiya, after the next station. Maybe she will forgive this randi. Hai Ram!! Baap re!! What an evil she is!!”

She held the dead girl to her chest, not letting any attempt to snatch it away from her succeed. If this is what had to be done, then be it. But she will be the one to throw her in the wild river, not anyone else. The next station came. The train halted for a brief 7minutes. Her tears had dried up even before coming out. She realized the gravity of the situation, went numb as she realized that she had lost the seed that grew in her womb in the last nine months, and had been out for less than 9days. She carried both the girls-one dead and other alive- for she feared losing the other one too, to the door, which lay ajar. The wind tried to suck her fragile body outwards, but the rigidity from within helped her stand still. The train was finally over Ganga, the stiffness in her body grew. With one last look at her, she flung the bundle of cloth towards the river…

…only to realize that the bundle that was left behind was the one with the dead girl. She had thrown the wrong body.

(Inspired by the movie "SAANJH", starring Nandita Das. Thanks Chumki!)

Untitiled!

2009-01-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

Miles apart we continue to be,

I'm still wondering if this gap will ever close.

For you, you know, I am (was) always there,

If only the same from you I could still suppose.

I thought (chose to believe rather) the distance would only make our love grow stronger.

Never knew your pain would be so much that you would refuse to take it any longer.

I long to gaze upon your face, to share a smile, an embrace.

But gradually I'm coming to terms with the fact,

You now belong to some other place.

Its not the same, I can see that clearly.

But still those expectations are not completely lost.

Or let's just stay I still have some hope left,

And trust me that hope costs me alot.

"It's all over and it is perfectly fine",

I say it to everyone almost all the time.

But not everything is as perfect as it seems to be,

Because someone still has to be convinced of this fact,

And that someone is me.

A smile on my face, a twinkle in my eyes.

Don't confuse it for happiness, Oh boy! I tell you.

It's there because there is still some hope,

That one day it'll be "us" again,

And not just a solitary me or you!

My eyes are filed with thousands of emotions,

I wonder how can still see through!

Is it really that hard to accept

That you mean to me more than I ever meant to you?

Or maybe it's just a way of yours,

To keep yourself away from what is true.

And that little secret buried in your heart,

Is that you still love me too!!

-Anonymous

18th birthday :), a day that was!

2008-12-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

This was the second best birthday (the best will always be my 17th birthday) I have had so far and since it was me miltstone birthday (i finally turned 18!!), I'm glad I'll always have really happy memories to associate with this day.

It started at night only, when three of this friends of mine gave me very chocolaty surprise!! (about which he has written here - abhinavdeciphered.blogspot.com).

I went late to college, around 11.Had amazing fun with lakshya over there and at IHC, won a competition, became richer than we already were :)...

Alot more happened but I do not have the strength or time (have my final exams from tomorrow) to write about it.All I want to say is,I loved the day and keep going back to parts of it.

Identity Crisis

2008-12-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

My heart goes out to this dog who looks like a Pomeranian, but is black AND his name is Poodle! I wonder what it would be like to be in his place where you have no clue who (or what) you are, or maybe even what all you are. Even his owners don't really know his breed. "He might be a hybrid",they say (which I am pretty sure he is).

Whatever the thing is, I feel very bad for that poor dog! I hope he someday comes to know what he exactly is. :)
P.S. tried getting his picture but couldn't. :(

BLAH!!

2008-12-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

for the title: don't know what else to write. this entry can't be given any heading because I'm just going to vent out all that's been accumulating inside me for quite long now.

And I've really had enough, enough of all these people around me who (i am damn sure) have conspired to make my life hell. they just can't let me be. and that is majorly pissing off. please if you read this(since you're so many, at least some might just read it), get this straight in your head that i really don't need you in my life. and no this is not out of any ego bursts or something, just a very genuine thing that you're no longer required. even the thought of you depresses me so please, BUZZ OFF!!...at least for sometime, just let me be. that's the least i can ask you to do. i already have too much on my mind to deal with you and your nonsense(trust me it is utter garbage to me, because i really am not interested).

and why am i doing this on world wide web? well, of course because i don't really want any personal communication between us (me and all of you). so please oblige me by reading this and do me this big favor of vanishing for sometime. and thanks for spoiling yet another day of mine( I'm still wondering why i give you so much importance?you're worth nothing, trust me!)

so disappear before i have to say...POOF!!!!

p.s. written in an extremely pathetic state of mind but every word of it is straight from the heart and very genuine, and basically directed towards two people who would know if they read this.

my renovated house!

2008-11-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

It was Diwali time and therefore, like many others, my house also got renovated. Although I wasn't even informed about it in the beginning ("because you're hardly home", is what my parents said), it was a good news. It was exciting to come home and discover all the progress that was being made on a daily basis. Even though the house was in a complete mess, I was loving the way things were turning up.
The work was scheduled to be completed in the next 3-4 days, but I had to leave for Kanpur for a college competition. I came back one day before Diwali and, as expected, my house did look different.
But now I realise it's no longer "home" for me. Home is some place where you can be comfortable but unfortunately after renovations, my mother has become even a bigger cleanliness freak. I'm not allowed to walk with floaters in the house, I'm supposed to clean the floor if I leave patches on it, I'm supposed to wash my feet as soon as I enter the house, the bed is always supposed to be made with the bed-cover on and nothing on it with the exception of two pillows, no clothes should be lying here and there, and blah blah blah....! The list still goes on and on and on. I somehow end up screwing everything even when all I do is nothing.

So basically this post is to vent out all my frustration because of the fact that I can no longer be comfortable(read messy) at home. :(

P.S. If any of you, ma or papa, are reading this, this is not meant to be offensive. It's not even your fault. You were right when you said I'm partially a pig, because I now realise how much I love living in a mess. Love you both (even though you're big cleanliness freaks).

Attachment..??

2008-10-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we take ages to get attached to people, and sometimes we don't even realise how close we have come.

The person I am referring to over here never had a significant role in my life (or so I thought). We interacted for a brief period of time and although we both had a liking for each other, there was no special bond between us that I could see or feel. And then came the news that she was leaving, going to a different place, leaving everything behind. As expected, I did not feel any great loss or sadness because of this. The days that followed the news were very much routine.

It was only in her farewell (or fair well, as we all choose to call it) that I realised how very much I was going to miss her. I thought it was just on the surface that I was feeling bad, because everyone else was in that kind of a mood, but it was only later that I realised how much I wanted her to stay. I tried to hold back my tears, but the streams refused to stop flowing. I tried to gather courage to go and tell her how much I'll miss her, but in vain.

All I could do was feel the pain of separation surging inside me, without being able to figure out when that special bond had been formed between us. And just see her leave, go away from our lives just as uneventfully as she had walked in. Only this time, I felt I was loosing someone I had admired and loved always.

If you ever read this, all I want to say this is that I miss you a lot. Please keep in touch. :)

P.S. Most of the people might not know who I am talking about, but those in college will surely guess.

One Night at the Railway Station! (And the events that followed)

2008-10-28T02:48:00.000-07:00

23rd October:

I was supposed to leave for the railway station at 5.00 in the morning. i woke up at 4.30 to get ready, only to find out that my train was running 4 hrs late. So instead of going to the station, I planned to go to the college first. Before leaving my house, I gave Sana a call. "Our train had been cancelled. We don't know how we are going." She informed. I was asked to reach the college asap.

On my way to college I was trying to come up with other options to reach Kanpur. The only two that seemed feasible were taking another train, or booking a bus.

I reached college around 10:15. Save a few, everyone else was already there- some with parents, some without. The one's who were absent were busy arranging for trains or buses, whatever they could lay their hands on. The people from Gargi were also taking a bus. They were already at the station, and with the fate same as ours, even their train had been cancelled. So it was finally decided that we all will take one bus, and reach Kanpur by midnight. Some parents obviously had issues but that was sorted out .

We left in 4 cars. While we were on our way to the station, we were informed that the train booked by the students of Gargi College left at the scheduled time. Students who were supposed to come with us had therefore, already left. We anyway continued to go to the railway station. It was there that the bus that was taking us to Kanpur was scheduled to come. All nineteen of us met again at the New Delhi Railway Station. The bus took another hour and a half to arrive. We were then informed that each of us would be required to pay Rs.450 extra over the Rs.500 that we had already paid. Again there were arguments and discussions. Everyone eventually agreed to pay those extra 500 bucks. We finally boarded the train around 1.00 pm.

Calls were made to parents informing them that we had finally left and were safely on our way to Kanpur. Hardly 20 minutes had passed and our bus stopped somewhere near the station only. The driver demanded Rs.20,000 cash then and there. We obviously refused. In return, he refused to take us. We pleaded, we fought, we threatened to call the police, we abused the driver, we shouted at the owner, but nothing worked. Within half an hour, we were on the platform again. Seniors were busy finding about other trains that could take us to Kanpur, although considering the previous days events, these trains were also bound to be cancelled. It was decided that we were taking the 9.40 train to Kanpur. Again there were people backing out, but most of them were okay with it.

The tickets had to be collected from the ticket counter at 6.00 pm, and it was only 2.00 when all this happened. Five of us volunteered to stay at the station till then. The others left for their homes.

We went to Comesome to have something as we were all starving. One of us was carrying biryani for the train journey. We all binged on it and within minutes, biryani meant for 19 people, was finished. The place where we sat was a total mess. Anyone who entered the restaurant had there eyes rested on the area we had occupied. The guy who was booking the train tickets for us was supposed to call us at 3.00. We waited till 3.10 and called, only to be informed that the scene was sort of dicey. We should be getting the tickets but he wasn't too sure. At around 4.15 we were informed that we could get tickets for a Rajdhani at 5.10. Everyone was informed so that they could make it to the station in time. Unlucky as we had been all day, one of the girls refused as her house was too far to reach the station so quickly. This plan was also cancelled. It was finally decided (for the nth time now!!) that we would be taking the 8.30 train. The tickets were almost confirmed. Again everyone was called and informed to reach the station at sharp 7.30. We called our agent around 7.15 for the tickets. He called us to his booking office to collect the tickets. On reaching there, seniors found out that the tickets couldn't be arranged. All efforts went down the drain. We were informed around 8.30 that our trip to Kanpur had been cancelled.

It then struck most of us that we hadn't informed our parents. Some called and confessed, some just planned to spend 4 days outside home at other friend's places. I belonged to the latter category. Shattered and disheartened I loaded our luggage into an auto and left for Lajpat Nagar, where I was supposed to spend the next few days. We reached at 8.53 exact. We'd just gotten off the auto when we got another call. It was Kaustabhi.She wanted us to reach the station in three minutes. Our train was scheduled to leave at 9.00!!!!!! This was what precipitated it all. I immediately broke down, knowing I would never be able to make it. Others were already there. People who'd informed their parents very late were obviously not allowed.

It was 9.20 when we reached the station. The train had been delayed till 11.40. But because of this whole mess, only 8 of us were now going. The others were screwed up at home. Somehow we managed to board the train at 12.00. We had general compartment tickets with people leching at us, we slept on the floor, and miraculously reached Kanpur at 6.30 in the morning.

I've tried my best not to miss any detail, but you will have live this day to actually know what all we went through.

Hey There Delilah!!

2008-09-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way

Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

Wasted Efforts

2008-09-10T00:50:00.001-07:00

I spend almost all my time sitting in the chaupal. We have lots of dogs(and bitches) in our college premises. I've been around them for quite sometime now but recently(due to the circumstances), I'm somehow looking differently at the relationship these animals share.

There is this bitch whose is diseased. The area around her neck seems to have decayed. The fur in that part is gone and so the skin which was once under it is infected badly. But still the other dogs(or even us for that matter) do not discriminate against that bitch. The beautiful part about this (which compelled me to write about it) is that we all have accepted her the way she is. I fail to understand why is it so difficult for us humans to do the same? Why can't we come to terms with our flaws(and of others) and whatever other things we(and others) lack and be okay with it???????

And why can't some people be happy in being accepted the way they are?? When you are ready to deal with circumstances, the situation and everything that should have been there but is not, how can that 'other' person refuse to cooperate?? Don't they realise that efforts which are made by them to lessen our pain ultimately end up hurting us more than we can take??

We take decisions for our better, so why are we not able to come to terms with reality which follows after the decision as been made??

I'm lost, I'm confused and I'm hurt. I don't know what's happening or why is it happening and was it that necessary!!! Its sometimes best to be oblivious to reality, and this time its all I can and wish to do.

P.S. This might not make enough sense to all readers, but if you know me well enough then it definitely will.

Emotional Catharsis- Rediscovery of Self

2008-09-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Okay the title might sound a bit heavy but what we went through, trust me on that, was hell a lot heavier.
This was 2nd day of Bhawins’ workshop (details not required) where we were required to enact a scene describing some incident, object, thing, person, etc. etc. that influenced us in such a way that it changed us or our lives forever. Since none of us had prepared an act (or given much thought to it for that matter), we ended up recalling incidents that had changed us as a person.
The first person to go was Sana- Sana who I have always seen smiling and laughing and, till yesterday, emotionally the strongest in our group. She was in the wings for some time and when she entered, we could all sense that the incident she would narrate was a very emotional one. This is when the whole mood of the session- a very emotional mood, was set and by the end of it, suppressed sobs could be heard in that appalling silence. One by one we all went and talked about are experiences. It was beautiful to see how no one had prepared anything beforehand, yet the words seem to take their own flow. What struck a cord with all of us was the fact that how relationships-good or bad- change our lives in such a drastic way, the impact they have on us, and how we can’t get out these complexities, no matter how hard we try!
The saddest and the most depressing part was that we all had learnt from relationship that had not been successful; obviously the beautiful part being that we don’t regret them even though they failed because they taught us lessons about life which will be with us forever. Here I would like to quote Kaustabhi, “Even a diamond has to undergo exhaustive grilling before it shines the brightest.” So I guess after going through so much suffering, betrayal, pain and sorrow, we’ve come out as much more matured people. After all (damn! I’m so clichéd), all’s well that ends well!

P.S. Only I know how relieved I am after writing this piece. I’ve been trying to write about “relationships” for a really long time now, but in vain. I’m glad I could finally put something into words, even though it’s barely 10% of what’s inside me. The rest will come out, slowly but surely.

Acts of Faith: PART 1

2008-08-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

Acts of Faith: Eric Segal
Chapter 28

Deborah averted her eyes and nervously plucked at blades of grass. At last she spoke.
"I've really been through a lot since.....that night."
She told him about her servitude in Mea Sherim and her flight to freedom.
"You were very brave.: he murmured.
"My father didn't exactly see it that way."
"I'll bet," he acknowledged. "He's a very strong-willed person."
"So am I. I'm his daughter after all," she said. "Besides, I've done a lot of growing up. I'm nearly twenty now."
"Yes," he responded, gazing at her face, "and very beautiful."
"That's not what I meant," she said shyly.
"I know. I was just changing the subject to something more important."
"Don't you want to know the rest of my story?" she asked uneasily.
"Some other time." He moved within a arms length of her, still not touching.
"I'd like to hear about how it was in the seminary," she said.
"No, you wouldn't," he whispered. "Not this minute anyway."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Deborah," he persisted, "I can read your thoughts. You're feeling scared and guilty."
She lowered her head, clenched her fists, and said, "Yes, you're right--I am. But its natural to be scared. I don't know why I feel so guilty."
He held out his hand and raised her face to look at his. "You're afraid its wrong," he murmured. "But it isn't, Deborah. believe me, there is nothing wrong with the way we feel about each other."
His hand was moving gently down her shoulder.
"Tim, what's going to happen to us?"
"Today? Tomorrow? Next week? I don't know Deborah, and I don't care. I just know I'm with you now. I love you, and I won't let you go."

Their faces were inches apart. It was as if she was on the edge of a precipice for the three aching years they had been separated.
And the Deborah suddenly let go.
She put her arms around his neck and kissed him.
She remembered how it had been with Avi.
And now she knew the difference.
As they held each other tightly, Tim whispered, "Deborah, I can't believe this is a sin."
She nodded wordlessy as they embraced.
Both were nervous, yet niether was afraid. Though completely innocent, they knew intricacies of the act of love.
It was yet another sign that they were doing what was meant to be.
And so, in a wooded coener near the Sea of Galilee, the future priest and the rabbi's daughter consummated the passion that had begun one Sabbath eve so long ago.

Acts of Faith: PART 2

2008-08-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

Acts of Faith: By Eric Segal
Chapter 29: Timothy
"They parted at the Jerusalem bus station. As Deborah climbed onto the first step, he impulsively pulled her back for one last embrace.
He could not let her go. He loved her with a fire so intense it would have burnt all his resolve had Deborah allowed it.
"we shouldn't do this," she protested weakly. "Your friends, I mean the ones who saw us--"
"I don't care--I don't care about anything but you."
"That's not true--"
"I swear to God. Ilove you more."
"No, Tim, you really don't know how you feel."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because I don't know myself."
She tried to break away, not only because his priesthood was at risk but because, for her own sake, she had to leave now or never. And she did not want him to remember her face streaming with tears.
Yet as they stood in one another's arm, she could feel the sob he, too, was struggling to supress.
Their parting words were the same--and spoken almost in unision. Each told the other, "God bless you."
And turned away.

STREET PERFORMERS

2008-08-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

ISS RASTEY PAR!!
When asked to imagine children between the age-group of 3 to 10 yrs, the image that crosses our minds is that of robust and healthy children bubbling with energy in their carefree lives, without any tensions of the outside world. But there exists reality outside out imagination, which we all are aware of but hardly pay any attention to.
Welcome to the world of Street Performers!! While on one hand we crib about being stuck in traffic jams and caught up on traffic lights in our air-conditioned cars, there are those on the other hand whose daily breads depends on there sessions. Dozens of children armed with miniature dholes and sticks flock Siri Fort crossing right from 10 in the morning till 5 in the evening, displaying their ‘talents’ in front of any interested onlooker. They come from as far as Patel Nagar and commute using buses and local trains. They have been in this business for the past 4-5 years, although they themselves are just 7-8 yrs old!
Kalpana(3yrs) and Chand (7yrs) have grown up to follow the footsteps of their elder brothers and accompany them each day to work. Originally inhabitants of Bilaspur in Chhattisgarh, they have migrated to Delhi and resumed life at a pace different from that of their parents, who work as farmers back in the villages. They are not concerned with education and studies never interested them, although these opportunities are not denied to them. “Mera chhota bhai Arjun 4 saal ka hai. Woh gaaon mei padh raha hai” (my younger brother Arjun, 4 years old, is studying in the village.)- informs Sajju, an 8year old who knows nothing except of performing on streets and enjoys the freedom he gets in this ‘profession’. In their growing up years when children need maximum nourishment, these kids survive on a packet of fruits that they carry with them each day. The money that they earn (roughly Rs.100 to Rs.150 per day is the combined earning) goes mainly into sustaining them and purchasing food.
They are often chased by policemen to vacate the place, but they resume their work as soon as the uniformed men are out of vicinity. On one occasion, several of them had been kept in the police station for a whole day but were released in the evening, without any demand for money.
These children do this without even thinking about it. Performing on streets comes as naturally to them as breathing. This is their way of life, and this is their childhood- lost according to us, new found according to them!
Compiled By:
Mishika Singh and Ishita Dasgupta

The World as We See It!!

2008-08-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

“Once upon a time, there was a very powerful king (let us call him the ‘good king’ for convenience sake) in the kingdom of Tapi. He was immensely popular among his subjects and was respected and loved by them. Because of this, the king (the ‘bad king’- again for convenience sake) of the neighboring kingdom really envied him. He was always plotting some or the other game plan against the good king. One day, the bad king came across a witch who was known to enchant even the mightiest of all under her spell. It so happened that this witch, following the orders of the bad king, cast a spell on the biggest well in the good king’s kingdom. Whoever drank water from that well went absolutely crazy. Within no time, the whole kingdom, except the good king and his queen, was under the spell. When the king tried to control the chaotic situation by issuing orders, his men ridiculed and criticized him. The wish of the bad king had finally come true.
The good king contemplated a lot about this difficulty and finally came to a conclusion. He and his queen went to the village well and drank the water. Now, they too were insane. The subjects, who previously thought that the king had gone lunatic, were very pleased to have him back. Harmony was restored in the kingdom of Tapi once again.”

We Know But We Don't Understand

2008-08-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

I should have written about this incident last week only when I was thoroughly under its impact but somehow I didn’t get time. I’ll still try to put in plain words what I felt, even though the feelings have gone astray in this one week only.

Our whole batch had been invited by our comm. theory teacher to a film festival which was screening some films on the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bomb blasts. We all (thought we) knew about it, and were least interested in attending it, but just for attendance sake all twenty of us reached the destination just in time for the show to begin. We entered a small auditorium and waited for the screening to begin (or rather end). The first movie was about the birth of earth. Needless to day, we all had already started whispering about our plans for after the session.

What followed next shook us completely from within. It was a documentary on blast victims (Hiroshima and Nagasaki), who had survived to put up with the anguish of all that they had lost. Their tales were painful and the reconstructions hurt even more. One actually needs to sit through that eyesore experience to understand the plight of those who survived. There were scenes which refused to leave our minds even after the movie was over- the boy with a burnt back, tufts of hair falling due to radiations produced in the body, a completely charred man walking 5 km in search of water but finally losing the battle of life- and somehow made us realize the threats nuclear weapons posed for us. Words like agony, sorrow, torment, pain, suffering, distress, grief made much more sense now. There were facts and figures which made us think again and again about India’s nuclear deal and if it really is all that essential, and they made us become conscious of how much we are losing, and how little are we gaining out of it.

“You know, but you don’t understand.” I have used this line n number of times on my friends. It’s only now that I have realized how aptly it applies to all of us in a much more severe way. We all thought we knew about these blasts and the negatives of nuclear weapons, but this 20 minute experience really worked as an eye-opener for all of us. It was wonderful see how uncomfortable we all were after the screening ended. It would be apt to say that it made us think, but the shameful part is that it made us JUST think. None of us are actually doing anything about it because we don’t know what we can do (if at all there is something) and how to go about it.

On the Path of Self- Realisation:

2008-08-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

On the Path of Self- Realisation:

I take the same route to college and back everyday. For the past few months, I have noticed a very troubled looking woman living on the pavement in a miserably shabby condition and tattered clothes. She sits alone all day, I have come to know from the nearby vendors, and is continuously talking and smiling to herself. Onlookers call her crazy and maybe a witch, while children from the nearby slums derive enormous pleasure out of this ‘entertainment package’. Last week, I noticed a huge crowd around her on my way back. I stopped the rickshaw and got down to find about what had happened. On enquiring, I was told that this was all due to some trivial fight which sort of went out of hand. They were accusing the ‘mad woman’ of throwing stones as passerby’s.
This incident really bothered me for a long time. I finally decided to go and find out about how she became what she had. When I proposed this in front of people who had seen her, I was ridiculed and made fun off. I had seen this coming and therefore took no offence. There were others who told me to be careful and that she could be dangerous, but no one offered to come along.
I went on a week later. In fact I just stopped on my way back from college. Once I was there, I thought I was being rather foolish, standing there without informing anyone but before I could let my thoughts pull me out of this, I waved and smiled at the lady. She smiled back, but did not wave. I took this as a signal to go and sit besides her. I tried talking to her but words, that made sense, just refused to come out of her mouth. She was constantly blabbering without making any sense! I strived for around half an hour but finally gave up. I was about to leave when she spoke some word that made me stop and take my place again. I can’t quote what she said because her speech was broken but I’ll try to put it in my own words without losing the essence.

“I lost my girl when she was two. I have no family. They left me on the roads because I was mad. I have no one to live for. I live alone over here but somehow these people want me to react to everything. I don’t want to.” When I asked her about what had happened previously, she said “ladka patthar maar raha tha. Maine bhi maar diya.” (The boy pelted stones at me, so I hit him back).

I left at that moment, because she refused to speak after that and continued with her smiles and laughs and her talks with herself. “How insensitive can people be?” This was the only question I have been asking myself after that brief encounter. We don’t want to accept the fact but it is true that many of us derive sadistic pleasure out of hurting the innocent, or people who cannot do anything. We thrive for ‘entertainment’ from such insensitive acts and it hurts immensely when u see something like this happening, yet cant do anything about it.

guilt pangs

2008-08-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

"when the wish and the fear are exactly the same, we call the dream a nightmare."

i read this line is a book(shantaram) i was reading a few months back, and suddenly its making a lot more sense to me than it did.

but what i am still not able to accept and make sense out of is the fact that dreams are what we consciously refrain from wishing for but unconsciously want. I'm having the same dream (or nightmare if u wish to call it so) since quite some time now, but when i think about it in broad daylight, i fail to make out why I'm indulging in such thoughts. they're not anything to be ashamed of but consciously when i think about it, i realise i don't what it to happen the way my dreams project it every now and then. and very frankly, my life would become miserable if it really does happen. in a way, it'll complete full circle.

there are people i despise, and i despise thinking about them to0. but they visit me in my thoughts quite often and leave me thinking for the days that follow. there are these other set of people i like to think about. i like to think about us being together, but they also cross my mind in the form of most disturbing of thoughts. I'm sort of stuck with this whole cycle of thinking about people i don't want to, and thinking differently about these other people i like having as a part of my life. n I've been trying very hard but don't find any solution to it. since this is the first time I'm talking about it, i really don't know if its common and prevalent amongst all people. but if its not, then i think i have a good reason to be worried about.

or maybe I'm still not clear on what i want and how i want it, and just being very passive and taking things as "magic bullets" without any questions.

whatever it is, my quest is still on..!

3 degrees of separation!

2008-07-25T08:25:00.002-07:00

Living in Delhi and spending almost my entire life in DPS Noida has every now and then made me realise that the 6 degrees of separation theory might be just a li'l inappropriate for people residing in Delhi and Noida, specially the students. Here, as you will later on see for yourself, the degree of seapration is around 2 or at the max 3. You are somehow linked to every third person you know through the weirdest of connections.

I was talking to one of my friends doing law from NUJS Kolkata when he told me that one of his friends wanted to talk to me. Before I could make it clear how not interested i was, the other person came on line. This is how the conversation went:
friend's friend: "Hey mishika!"
me: "Hey? who is it?"
friend's friend: "Disha ya! U obviusly dont remember me...do you??"
me: "Disha Bhutani?I cant believe its you!!"
And well yes, I really couldn't believe I was talking to her after two long years and this is how it was all happening!

Disha and I had met during one AIDS workshop and had spent around a month together, along with another bunch of people from ours and various other schools. We had become pretty decent friends and tried to keep in touch after the function was over. We had scanty conversations later ons which further decreased when we came to 10th. That was the last time i remember talking to her. Since then there have been plans of meeting up, having reunions but unfortunately nothing ever worked out.That was way back!
And when i heard her voice yesterday,it almost felt like i had found a long lost friend (which technically I had, although we were not lost or anything, just out of touch).

Strange is the world, and stranger are its ways of connecting people! You are somehow linked to so many people you never realised existed. I have many other instances when I was equally surprised and I'm sure the same goes for everyone who might be reading this. Guess this is how it works!

a "DATE" with dtc :(

2008-07-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

such a horrible day! college had to start at 12 and i was sort of glad that i did'nt have to rush through things early morning...li'l did i realise that i'll still have to deal with the lech crowd all around me. changed 4 buses today to reach college but except the bus numbers, nothing else changed. people around you look at you as if you're some sort of an alien, pass obscene remarks, and make vulgar gestures. to top it all, they fall on you, and keep falling till either has to leave the bus. n alll this is not limited to the bus. the stops are crowded with equally disgusting people who have nothing better to do that stare, stare and keep staring till they get some other eye-catcher.. but i know im not the first one this is happening to, nor am i the last, so its better i get used to it(i wonder if i have another option!)